Simple Truths...

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

This was the opening line of an email forwarded to me by a couple of my friends. It struck me that I know so many people out there who spend all their time being angry or disappointed or defeated by the loss of what they believe was their "destiny." We all have dreams when we're kids. Most of us go through a series of "what I want to be when I grow up" phases. Firemen (or women), police officers, cowboys, princesses, teachers, wives, husbands, parents, rock stars... the list goes on and on. For most of us, our dreams change and grow along with us. When I was in my teens I remember an acquaintance who wanted nothing in the world more than to grow up and get married and have babies. There are plenty of women out there who want children with a desire bordering on desperation. Men have their share of obsessions about who and what they want to be and want to have. We are all raised with notions of how life should be. Fairy tales probably don't help matters. They always end with everyone living "happily ever after." Worse, that ending always comes with the implication that "happily ever after" is something that just happens with no work at all. 

I'm not knocking fairy tales. I actually believe "happily ever after" CAN happen. I think it's happened to me. And while I would never, ever tell someone how to raise their children, I find it sad when I see children missing out on the wonder and magic of imagination given free reign. Sure, the real world is out there, lurking, and sooner or later we all have to learn to face it and deal with it. But these days kids seem to be growing up faster and faster all the time and that's a shame. We spend the majority of our lives as adults. Our childhoods ought to be filled with joy and laughter and impossible dreams. Reality hits us all too soon and I, for one, wish kids could hold on to their innocence as long as possible.

The problem is, too many out there grow up thinking they have some kind of RIGHT to get things their way. They get mad when things don't turn out the way they thought they should, or the way they were raised to believe things "should" turn out. As wonderful as the fairy tales are, I think we all need to remember that the real world just doesn't work that way. Like I said, I don't believe "happily ever after" is a myth, I just happen to know that it doesn't come easy and it takes a lot of work. And this is where the trouble starts. I'll use myself as an example.

I was supposed to go to college and get married. I was NOT supposed to wake up one day at 17 to find my mother collapsed on the bathroom floor. I wasn't supposed to be sitting in the ICU of a hospital on the one year anniversary of my engagement waiting for my mother to die. I wasn't supposed to bury my father three years later. I wasn't supposed to find out the day after 9/11 that my sister was dying of cancer. I wasn't supposed to watch my mother-in-law, and best friend, lose the ability to speak because of the terminal brain cancer that killed her. And I wasn't supposed to go in for a routine yearly exam and come out with breast cancer. I was barely 39. I have no family history of breast cancer at all. None of these things were ever a part of my childhood dreams. Until the day my mother died, I never even considered that losing her was a possibility. For a lot of years, I was lost to my anger and grief over this event. It wasn't "supposed" to happen. But it did. All of it.

I've been told by more than one person that I have a "good" or "wonderful" attitude as I deal with having cancer. Compared to the reactions I've seen in some others, I guess my attitude is a good one. But the reality is, I've learned how to face the often painful and ugly realities of life out of necessity. I lost so much time to depression when my mother died. Even today, more than two decades later, I occasionally have flashes of the old anger and grief. Mostly, I just miss her. I miss my father and my sister. I miss my husband's mom. The anger I once felt over the "unfairness" of it all is pretty much gone. Because the fact is, no one ever promised us that life would be fair. God certainly didn't. He never said that we would sail through life with sunny skies and smooth seas. In fact, He pretty much said the opposite. But that's a lesson too few of us seem to learn. 

And this is where that quote above rings so true. Life just never goes the way it's "supposed" to go. Tragedy strikes all the time. One viewing of the news should teach us all that truth. None of the nearly 15,000 who died in Japan expected that to happen. The hundreds who have died in the recent tornadoes that swept through the South didn't plan on that happening. Each person who died in these tragedies left behind family and friends who will now have to grieve. And that's what it all really comes down to. Whether it's the loss of a friend or family member, or the loss of a long held dream, or the loss of personal wealth or health, all of it is loss and inspires varying degrees of grief. How we deal with that grief is what defines us. 

I have learned to just let go of preconceived notions of what should or shouldn't happen. I have learned to change what I can and accept what I can't. In short, I have learned to "let go, and let God." I don't always understand why things happen, but I've learned to trust that there's a reason. Being angry helps no one, especially me. Being angry makes us miserable and just makes it harder on those around us. I sincerely believe that the greatest failing of most parents is that they do not teach their children to have an attitude of thankfulness. As Christians, we are supposed to be thankful even in the midst of trials, to be content with what we have instead of always wanting more and more. As a point of fact, I wish everyone knew God and trusted Him. But even those who choose not to do so would do well to learn to appreciate the blessings of what they have instead of being angry about what they don't. It's not that hard to do. Just open your eyes and take a look around you. You will see someone worse off than you. There is always someone who has it harder. I have lost many of my family members, but at least I had loving family. Some kids grow up without ever knowing what it means to be loved and cared for. I have cancer, but my prognosis is good while there are others out there who are told at their diagnosis that they're unlikely to survive. The side effects of cancer treatment aren't easy, but others reacted much worse than I did. I am just stunned by how many people out there can overlook the fact that however bad their situation, it could ALWAYS be worse!

I have encountered people who were bitter about how their life was going. Bitter and angry that they have an illness like cancer. Bitter and full of rage that someone they cared about died. Mad at God and the entire world because their life didn't turn out precisely the way they thought it should have. My response? GROW UP! Life isn't fair. It isn't a fairy tale. It isn't a bed of roses. Pick whatever metaphor you like. The basic truth is that we just don't always get what we want. Sometimes life can be full of grief and pain and tragedy. Sometimes it seems like we barely overcome one tragedy only to be slapped in the face by a new one. We have the choice to either rise above it or wallow in the grief and anger. The easiest way to do this is to stop feeling so sorry for yourself and recognize that it just is what it is and the only thing to do is keep moving forward. Even more importantly, we need to keep in mind that there is a reason for everything. Considering some of the absolutely horrific things I see on the news every single day, I do wonder what good could possibly come from some of it. The terrible things people do to each other every day are just awful. How could any good come of the unspeakable atrocities that are perpetrated on helpless children? Or the crimes and abuses committed against adults for that matter? How can we find any hint of good or benefit in an ill child or loved one? The answer is always the same. WE CAN'T!!!! Only God knows the ultimate outcome. Only He knows where our journey will take us. Only He can see every single aspect of every moment in time. When we try to understand things with our limited hearts and minds we will fail every single time. Because our human nature gets in the way. We start demanding explanations and answers from the One who created us. We start trying to grasp the infinite with our profoundly finite minds and understanding. I'm not trying to make excuses or avoid the very real issue of doubts and fears. I have just learned through my own personal life that the only way I can face the uncertainty and grief and fear in the world is to trust that God is always and forever in complete control. Whether I understand it all or not, He has a plan. He is at work in every moment of my life. The things that I think I cannot endure are tolerable because He makes it so.

The key to dealing with the unexpected changes to our plans and dreams and desires is to simply trust God to always work things out for the best for us. As Garth Brooks said years ago, "sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." Though I don't actually believe any prayer is unanswered. Sometimes the answer is just "no." Looking back I can certainly think of seasons in my life when I was utterly convinced that I knew what was best for me, that I simply could not endure to go forward if I didn't get whatever it was I thought I wanted or needed. Like the song, I too had an early love that I thought I couldn't live without. Yet here I am, two and a half decades later with the man God knew I would one day meet and love. And I am profoundly grateful that when I was begging God to keep me and my first boyfriend together that He, in His wisdom, said, "No." Wow, am I grateful for that!! I now cannot imagine my life without my precious husband in it. He is my heart, my best friend and companion. His mere presence lifts my heart. God knew what was right for me. He knew the plans He had for me and for Mark and even though I couldn't see it then, He knew that the grief of that moment would be utterly overwhelmed with the joy of being joined to the "right" man in the future. And this is what life is all about for me. Even though I don't understand it, even though some of the things I see or endure break my heart, I know that somehow, some way, some day there will be good that comes from it. Maybe I won't even see it. Maybe it will be a change in someone else's life that I won't even know about until I learn of it in heaven. I can't know everything now. I can't see everything. But God can. And trusting Him is the only way to live. It's the only way to find peace in a world that seems increasingly ugly and harsh.

Thank you, God, for saying no. Thank You for giving me what I need instead of what I want. And thank You for loving me even when I questioned You.

 

A Little Common Courtesy, Please...

I'm not the kind of person who gets offended easily. Not for myself, at least. I suppose I was different when I was younger, because I remember my feelings being much more sensitive then. I've grown up, I guess. That, and I have a natural attitude that inclines me to give most people the benefit of the doubt. I just don't want to believe that people out there intentionally set out to cause others pain. Not most of them, at least. Call me naive, but it's the way I am. I consider it a gift from God. I'd rather assume the best of others and be occasionally wrong, than to always assume the worst and be constantly right!

Having said this, I will have to admit that I DO get offended on behalf of others. I don't know why. I just absolutely hate to see someone else hurt. I want to defend them, to rush in like some kind of avenging angel and protect them from the cruelties and insensitivities (however unintentional they may be) of the world.

- I can't help but mention the vision that has popped into my head at this point. For whatever reason, I am thinking of an angry mother hen, feathers all ruffled, voice growling out a warning to anyone who dares to threaten her chicks.


Yes, I had chickens when I was a child. Yes, I have them now. Yes, I have been pecked by an angry hen who did not like the idea of me getting near either her eggs or her young chicks. And yes, I know chickens aren't particularly scary, but seriously, they can have a very impressive attitude!

Okay, so back to what I was saying. Since getting my diagnosis and spending so much time on the CSN website, I have found myself occasionally surprised and even flat out appalled by the idiotic things people have said and done to other cancer patients. The most blatant example of pure idiocy is a story I can't help but repeat. First, let me point out that being bald is hardly the worst problem that comes along with breast cancer and its treatment. As side effects and consequences go, it's pretty tame. Still, as women a lot of our identities can be wrapped up in our hair. Long or short, whatever the color, it is a major part of who we see ourselves as being. So to have it all fall out is no picnic. There's always the wig option, but seriously, the vast majority of survivors who have tried wound up abandoning their wigs because they are flat out uncomfortable. Face it, when you're dealing with the myriad of side effects of cancer treatment, the last thing you want or need is to be uncomfortable just because you don't want to look like some kind of weirdo. So wigs are often out and that means hats, scarves, bandannas, etc. These may be better than a wig, but they're no picnic either. My wonderful chemo has sent me into chemically induced menopause, which basically means I've got all those symptoms along with the standard cancer/chemo ones. Can anyone out there say hot flashes? And I'm not just talking a little warm, here. I'm talking about a full on rush of heat so intense that I have often been quite sure I am physically melting. What does this mean? It means that if I happen to be out in public and am wearing a scarf or bandanna or hat, my head begins to feel like it's trapped in a sauna on an August day in the Amazon. It's not only uncomfortable, it's disgusting as I tend to sweat like mad. Just plain gross. So I tend to ditch the head coverings the moment I get into my car.

All this is to point out that I am not brave enough to just go without anything at all on my head. (The CSN girls call it going "topless.") I don't mind it with people I know well, but it just isn't something I feel comfortable doing in public. I imagine that may change over time, however. Because the self-consciousness might just give way to frustration with the discomfort of always being too hot or too itchy, or too SOMETHING. Generally, the head covers start disappearing pretty soon after most of the ladies start growing hair back. This can take MONTHS even after finishing the chemo, but eventually it does happen. So imagine yourself finally having a little hair after months of being bald and uncomfortable. Do you dare to go out in public with it that short? If you do, you might get this kind of reaction.

This is a true story, as testified by the lady it happened to. She was out at a coffee shop minding her own business. She was in line to get her coffee and a fine, upstanding example of society was in line somewhere behind her. He apparently took issue with her very short hair, because he just could not keep his mouth shut about it. Loudly enough for everyone to hear he said, "It doesn't matter how short that lesbian cuts her hair, it still won't make her a man."

At this point I imagine I would be mortified. I can just see myself turning away and slinking out the door in abject horror. But not this woman. Not this wonderful, brave woman. She calmly finished getting her coffee, then sat it down and turned to face the idiot with the big mouth. See, she'd lost both her breasts to the monster. And in an act of bravery that I can barely fathom, she opened her shirt to flash her mastectomy scars at him and said, "I'm not a lesbian, I'm a breast cancer survivor."

And out the door she goes. She didn't mention it in the post, but I sincerely hope her departure was accompanied by cheers and clapping. It should have been.

This is one extreme example of just how idiotic people can be. There are others that are similar. Parents who hug their children close and pull them away from cancer patients because they either make the same mistake as the coffee shop guy or because they somehow seem to think that the illness might be contagious. It's disturbing to imagine just how mean people can be. I have NO interest in getting into a theological discussion here. I'm a Christian and I believe that homosexuality is wrong. That said, there is absolutely NO excuse for the kind of behavior I have heard some of the ladies on the CSN describe. Rude is rude, period. Treating someone like you think they are sub-human is never, ever okay. You don't have to condone anyone's lifestyle, but you certainly don't have to make them feel like dirt either. Especially when all your assumptions are wrong!

I still want to believe that most people don't intentionally try to cause others pain. I want to make excuses for them, to try to see things from their point of view. But honestly, how self-centered does a person have to be to focus only on themselves when someone else is the one with cancer? I am blessed with a husband who has no problem taking care of me. He loves me, bald or not. He will hold me, encourage me, comfort me, whatever I need. He offers me the support and love that any spouse should. I am forever thankful that God saw fit to bring us together all those years ago.

If the family members I have lost through the years (mother, father, sister, and mother-in-law/best friend) were still here, I know each of them would support and encourage me completely. I don't even have to wonder about it. Again, I have been blessed with family that loves me. And I have friends who love me as well, and who have already offered me so very much in the way of support and encouragement. So it just flat out breaks my heart to read stories of others who are not so fortunate. It makes me angry to see a woman (or anyone) who is already in the middle of what might just be the fight of their lives have to also deal with the sheer agony of a parent, spouse, sibling, etc. who only makes things more difficult. Another example.

One of the ladies on the CSN mentioned something her father did. She is absolutely beautiful, by the way. Before her treatment, she had lovely long, blond hair, close to waist length. She has stunning blue eyes, too. She's about as gorgeous as anyone can be. And her smile is just plain fantastic. She's the kind of woman who would light up any room she walked into. Even without her hair, she's going to always be beautiful.

So her father was over at her house, along with her sister. He mentions her beautiful her sister is. Then he does it again, and again, and again. They two sisters are looking at each other, trying to figure out what he's getting at. Then, as he's getting ready to leave, he looks at his daughter, the one with breast cancer, who is bald because she is fighting for her life, and says, "You could be be beautiful too, if you'd just grow your hair back out."

Seriously?! Needless to say, she was both stunned and hurt. Who wouldn't be? But she was brave enough to stand up for herself. To point out that she wasn't bald by CHOICE, as if any woman (outside of crazy Hollywood actresses and musicians) would choose to be bald. It just amazes me that anyone could be so idiotic and cruel.

I wish this was the only example I could offer. But there are so many others, so many wives facing the fight alone because their husbands can't man up and deal with it. So many daughters whose parents have better things to do than hold their hands in them midst of their fear and uncertainty. So many sisters who just don't have time to be there for each other. It's tragic to me. Tragic and shameful.

I just wish I could reach out and hold each of the women I have encountered who have been so hurt by those who were supposed to care for them. I wish I could somehow smack their husbands, parents, siblings, co-workers, upside the head and jar a little sense loose. But it doesn't work that way. I've certainly witnessed it in my own life. People are selfish. Instead of focusing on the one in need, the one they claim to love and care about, they can't get past their own wants. My favorite excuse is, "I just can't take it."

Really? YOU can't take it? But the person suffering from cancer can? I have never been more angry in my life than the times I have heard someone say that. Because it isn't about YOU! Wow, what arrogance it takes to say such a thing! I always want to come back with, "yeah, well I didn't want to 'take it' when my mother was dying and I was a 17 year old girl having to hold her hand and try to tell her it would be okay. I didn't want to 'take it' when my sister called me to let me know she was dying from cancer. I didn't want to 'take it' when my best friend and mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer, either, and needed someone there just to hold her hand through the whole mess." It infuriates me to this day to hear those words spoken or even implied. Because I know first hand what it's like to have to set aside everything, including your own fears and worries and emotions, so that you can support someone else who you love. It's what grown ups are supposed to do. It's what family is supposed to do. And anyone who has ever said they couldn't take it and then walked away from someone in need should be ashamed of themselves.

Wow, I'm on a rant tonight! I need to just quit before I dig myself into some kind of hole. I guess I just want us all to take a few steps back and look around us. It's very easy to get caught up in day to day life. Realistically, our own issues and problems can sometimes be almost more than we can take. But the fact is, there is a measure of relief in helping others. However stressful our life may be, whatever issues we may be facing, no matter how big or small, we can find some peace from them when we take our eyes off ourselves and focus on someone else instead. Telling yourself that your problems are just all you can handle at the moment is a bit of selfishness. Because whatever you're dealing with, there's someone else out there who's facing something worse. Something bigger and badder. I have cancer, but it isn't terminal. It may come back someday, it may even kill me if it does, but there are others who already know the worst of what cancer can do. There are people who have walked into their doctor's office thinking they had a lifetime ahead of them and have walked out with the burden of a terminal diagnosis. There are children who are fighting this monster before they're even able to walk on their own.

I have been and continue to be blessed. I am thankful for every moment, for every friend and family member who loves me, for God who never, ever abandons me. I am thankful that despite my current crisis, I can still look to God with faith and trust and know that whatever comes, He will carry me through it. And I am thankful that I am not so self-centered that I can't see past my own problems. I am thankful that I have compassion for others, that I hurt when they hurt. I am thankful that caring about others, thinking of and praying for them, helps me to not be so selfish. I am far from perfect, but I hope that I never make anyone I love face a trial alone because I'm too self-absorbed to help them.