Old Prejudices...

I am positive that I have talked about racism here before. Being Southern by birth and heritage, it's an inescapable part of me. I openly admit that I had racist parents. But I also will add that they were what I think of as "generational" racists, meaning that they believed and repeated what they'd heard from their own parents. It had nothing to do with their personal experiences with people of color. They just grew up hearing a bunch of garbage and regurgitated it right back out.

This brings to mind a snippet from a live recording of a Carmen concert that I have on tape. On it he quotes Philippians 4:8.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Then he says, "Basically, garbage in, garbage out." I have never forgotten that. And as it relates to the vast majority of the racism I grew up being exposed to, I know most were just dumping out the same old garbage they'd been ingesting all their lives.

I grew up being exposed to it all, too. I won't even repeat the countless things I remember hearing my parents say. And I know I repeated at least some of it before I was old enough to recognize it for the garbage it was. I also know that my mother at least learned that much of what she'd been taught to believe was wrong. Mostly this came when she was finally in a situation where she worked with a black woman on a daily basis. That experience changed much of how she thought and felt. Still, I can only imagine the bedlam that would have ensued if I had met and fallen in love with someone of color, then tried to bring him home.

Which brings us to the situation that has got me thinking about all this. You may or may not have already heard about it.  But it comes from a Freewill Baptist church in Eastern Kentucky. Here's the link: US Church Bans Mixed-Race Couples.

Man, my heart sank when I first read that headline a day or so ago. Mostly because I knew that it would ignite a firestorm of backlash from untold numbers calling the church in question racists and worse. I know that it is likely less about straightforward racism though, than about a handful of people clinging to old prejudices and Bible verses taken out of context.

God laid out an extensive list of rules for the Israelites. One of them was that they were not to intermarry with other nations. The Old Testament mentions this more than once. Clearly God meant what He was saying. And He was kind enough to give us the reasons why He did not want His people marrying those of other nationalities. That reason is not only a sensible one, but a practical one. In short, He didn't want His people marrying people from other nations because those people would have their own gods and beliefs and this likely would cause the Jews to stray from their devotion to God. Makes a lot of sense. I can't imagine how hard it would be to remain strong in your faith when the person you are closest to not only didn't share it, but urged you to dump your faith and follow theirs. And even if your spouse wasn't pushing you to share their beliefs, it would inhibit complete unity between you if your core beliefs differed. So God forbade His people from mixed-nationality marriage. (Notice I said nationality, not race.)

As a quick aside, He also forbade them from wearing blended fabrics. He commanded that they should wear tassels on the corners of their garments. He commanded that men should not cut the hair on their temples. He commanded that His people observe a series of festivals and feasts throughout the year. He commanded that on the seventh day no work of any kind was to be done. He declared that certain animals could not be eaten because they were "unclean." The list - if you want to call it that - goes on and on and on.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely believe that God laid down these laws. And I believe that He not only expected but demanded that they be obeyed. There are multiple examples in the Bible of people who flaunted these laws and rules and paid some steep consequences. Many of the great men of God were led astray by wives (or concubines - another thing God did not condone) and wound up turning their backs on God and worshiping other deities. Most of them came back to God eventually, but that straying caused them a lot of grief. So, there is absolutely Biblical evidence that God did indeed prohibit certain marriages.

HOWEVER - and this is the thing that so many seem to either miss or intentionally turn a blind eye to - these edicts about marriage are all in the Old Testament. They are all a part of the Law that was given to the Jews. Which is where the problem with prohibiting interracial marriage TODAY arises.

First, we are not under the Law. Jesus made that abundantly clear. He came to fulfill the Law. And even if one wants to make some kind of argument against that (though I can't imagine how) there is the also ignored point that the Law was given to the Jews, not the rest of the world. I am not a Jew. I am not a descendant of Abraham. Nor, I assume, are any of the members of this Baptist church. Since we are what the Bible refers to as "Gentiles" we have never been under the Law. Not buying that either? Then please, for the love of everything Holy, explain to me why it is that this particular tenet of the Law is the only one that seems to be singled out for adherence? What about that tassel thing? Or not eating pork? Or not wearing clothes made of mixed fabrics? And why is it that I've never heard a Protestant Christian teach or preach that we ought to be observing the Feast of Tabernacles or Passover? What about stoning our kids when they lie to us? Or how about stoning a woman who is raped in a town but didn't scream for help? And if sin is sin (which the Bible tells us it is) then how is any man who cuts the hair at his temples different than someone who marries a person with a different skin color?

You see the problem, I hope. We cannot pick and choose bits and pieces of the Law and claim that they are still in effect without in turn declaring the entire Law to still be our governor. This is exactly what we are taught NOT to do! The Law is not our master any longer. The New Testament tells us repeatedly that we have been freed from the Law. It's rules are no longer binding. Circumcision is no longer required. Sacrifices are no longer necessary. And God made it abundantly clear that the strict separation laws are no longer valid as well.

This is what I have always had trouble understanding. How is it that so many Christians flat out overlook what God tells us in Acts 10? God didn't just tell Peter to go preach to a Gentile. I mean, most Christians will swear with their last breath that God wants everyone to be saved, regardless of the color of their skin. Anyone who would dare to say otherwise is not what I'd call a Christian. Anyway, people have no problem with the idea of people of other colors being saved. (They'd have to flat out ignore that whole Ethiopian getting saved and baptized in Acts 8.) Yet some of these same Christians draw some kind of line at the idea of - lets just say it - a black man marrying a white woman or a white man marrying a black woman. I've often wondered if they would make the same distinction with say a person of Hispanic descent, or Asian, or Native American ancestry, or is it just black/white? I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say they would.

So, God tells Peter to go preach to Cornelius, a non-Jew. No problem. But wait, that isn't just what God said in this passage. Remember all those rules from the Old Testament? One of them is "No pork, because it's unclean." Yet, while Peter is praying, his stomach presumably growling because the Bible tells us he was hungry, God gives him a vision. He shows Peter an assortment of animals, some of which were obviously on the "Do Not Eat" list and says, "Get up and kill yourself some food here and eat it." (Obviously I'm paraphrasing, here. If you want the word for word version, read Acts chapter 10.) Peter is not only stunned, but seems to be a bit insulted. He puffs out his chest and says, "No way! I've never eaten anything unclean!" Does God give him a big old pat on the back? Nope, He says, "Don't call anything unclean that I have cleansed." And God didn't just say this once, He repeated it two more times. I reckon He wanted to make sure Peter got the message.

While Peter is sitting there, trying to figure out exactly what God was trying to tell him, here comes a bunch of Gentiles wanting him to come with them. And suddenly, things start to click in his head. He goes off with them and meets Cornelius where he says, "I know it's supposed to be unlawful for me to keep company with a Gentile, but God has shown me that I should call no man common or unclean." The actual verse just for emphasis:

And he said unto them, Ye know how that it is an unlawful thing for a man that is a Jew to keep company, or come unto one of another nation; but God hath shewed me that I should not call any man common or unclean.
Acts 10:28 (KJV)

Peter goes on to point out that he now realizes that God is no respecter of persons, meaning that God has done away with that whole "I'm extra special because I was born a Jew and everyone else is lower than the dirt beneath my feet." (I am not saying that the Jews are no longer "God's chosen people." God made a covenant with them that is everlasting. They hold a unique and special place in God's heart and in His plan. But they are NOT the only ones who can or will be saved. Not anymore.)

But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.
Acts 10:35 (KJV)

Tell me that this does not expressly say that anyone, in any nation, of any nationality, who fears God and accepts Him is deemed acceptable in His sight. Jesus didn't die just for the Jews. He didn't die only for a select group of people with a single color of skin. The fact is, we are all the same race. We are human. The color of our skin is a quirk of nature and genetics. God is no respecter of persons. He isn't a blue eyed, white man with flowing white hair and beard. Jesus absolutely did not have blonde hair and blue eyes. Which brings us full circle back to old prejudices.

God made it abundantly clear with the story of Cornelius and Peter that the old laws about who the Jews could and could not associate with were null and void thanks to the sacrifice made by His Son, Jesus. Peter points out that it was previously unlawful for a Jew to even spend time with someone from another nation. Never mind marrying one of them. Remember how surprised the Samaritan woman at the well was when Jesus not only spoke to her, but asked her to give him water? She had good reason to be surprised considering Jewish tradition and Law. Yet Jesus Himself refused to be swayed by such prejudices.

He staunchly ignored the Jewish notion of superiority and routinely spent His time with the very people the Jews abhorred. I don't imagine it was easy for Peter and the others to let go of the things they'd spent their lives being taught and possibly even believing themselves. The Bible doesn't give us any extra info about Peter's meeting with Cornelius, like whether or not Peter felt uncomfortable but pushed it aside so that he could honor God by obeying His will. I can't help but wonder if Peter had to remind himself a few times that things were different than they used to be. Oh, wait, I'm pretty sure the Bible told us that he did struggle with such issues. In Galatians 2 Paul has to call Peter to task because Peter is living a dual life, one for the Jews and one for the Gentiles. Basically, Peter seems to understand and accept that God has done away with the separation between the Jews and Gentiles, but when other Jews show up, he falls back into the old prejudices and starts observing the old traditions. So clearly it took some time for old habits and patterns of thinking to be done away with. If Peter had to work at letting go of the prejudices that had been instilled in him all his life, then I don't expect it to be any easier for us.

I don't know how old I was when I first started to realize that the things I'd heard my whole life were based in ignorance and prejudice. I can't remember when I first turned that corner in my understanding. I only know that these days, I'm regularly appalled by the racism I see in people who proclaim themselves to be Christians. (Let's not even get into political and social racism, which is not just a problem with whites.) Got told us that all scripture is given by God and is of benefit to us.

All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
2 Tim 3:16 (KJV)

All means ALL, including the Old Testament. We aren't under the Law any longer, but that doesn't mean that there's no value in it and no lessons to be learned from it. My take from the whole ban on marriage with other nationalities is that there is plenty of reason to be careful when entering into a relationship with someone of a different nationality or "race." Along with different nationalities come different cultures. I've known white people from South Africa who believe and practice things I find exotic and strange. They're white and so fair game as far as marriage goes according to the Kentucky church and those who share their beliefs. But I say that "legal" marriage could be far more troublesome than one between people of different skin colors because if both of them aren't Christians, then all those same problems that God mentioned back in the Old Testament come into play. It doesn't matter what color your skin is, it matters who your God is. This is such a simple, undeniable truth, that I find myself repeatedly stunned by how unwilling some are to accept it.

To be sure, interracial marriage isn't something to be entered into lightly. Obviously, it is still going to cause some issues because there are clearly some out there who find it offensive. But I can see no believable, sustainable argument against it in the Bible. What I do see is Christians, often very decent people, who just can't quite seem to rid themselves of the deeply imbedded threads of racism that they very often aren't even willing to admit they possess. But then that's the flaw we all suffer from, isn't it? We are all incredibly skilled at ignoring and/or excusing our own flaws and failings. And that's why I'm writing this. Because I wonder how many of us are willing to take a long, hard, critical look at why we believe what we believe? How many of us are willing or even able to look at our own motives and beliefs objectively? It isn't an easy thing to do, especially when our beliefs and prejudices are challenged openly. So how about taking a little time wherever you are to look inward at what you believe? Is it really something you can back up with Scripture, or are you merely clinging to things you've heard or been told that conveniently line up with your personal feelings? It would do us all good to ask ourselves these kinds of questions. And it would do the whole world good if we would not just ask the questions, but act on the answers.

Rant........Rant...Rant!

You know, I'm not a person who's particularly easily offended. I don't walk around with a giant chip on my shoulder, daring someone to try to knock it off. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, whining every single time someone dares to hurt it. I don't look for reasons to get my panties in a twist. But there is one thing that pretty much sets me off every single time it occurs.

I am a born and bred Southerner and I refuse to either apologize for that or be ashamed of it. Worse, I'm not just Southern, I'm from Mississippi, the popular choice for most backwards, racist, idiot filled state in the country. I have lost count of just how many jokes I've heard made at the expense of my home state and those of us who are from there. And don't even get me started on the morons out there who preach about just how horrible a place it is when they've never so much as set foot in the state. Even more offensive to me are native Southerners who buy into the perceived shame of their heritage. One example that comes to mind is the comedian, Brett Butler. I used to watch her years ago and she usually made me laugh. Right up until she made a joke out of how smart she was for getting out of the South. It went something like this, "I was born and raised in the South and I'd like credit for getting out." I don't think I've watched her since then.

It's not that I'm some kind of nut who goes off the deep end every time someone makes a joke about the South or Southerners. If you've ever seen the movie, "Sweet Home Alabama," then you're familiar with a long string of jokes that had me laughing so hard I was crying. It portrays Southern life pretty well. I always laugh especially hard at the scenes of the Civil War Reenactment. I've actually been to one of those. And there are countless other comedians who poke their share of fun at Southern culture and behavior. Believe me, it's hard not to laugh at some of the things my fellow Southerners do. But I do not understand why so many have to turn it into something ugly. It's a form of bigotry, whether anyone else is willing to see it as such or not.

For example, Mississippi is supposed to be a hotbed of racism. Okay, only a fool would deny that much of the South took a very long time to get over their backwards views of blacks. Some horrible things happened there. But it wasn't just in Mississippi or just in the South. And what happened 30 or 50 or 150 years ago has nothing to do with today. I will openly admit that I grew up surrounded by racism. Mostly, it was the kind of racism based on ignorance and/or repeating what was heard from others. Like all racism or bigotry, people who have no first hand knowledge just repeat what they've heard others say without bothering to question it. This doesn't somehow make it "better" than blatant hatred of someone just for the color of their skin, but there is a difference between the two. Mainly, those who are racist out of ignorance are much more easily reached than those who are firmly entrenched in their hatred. I'll use my own mother as an example.

She was born and raised in Tennessee. (Both my parents were.) Not just Tennessee, but a hole in the wall little place. She disliked black people, not because any black person had ever done anything to her, but because she'd heard all her life that they were somehow unworthy of trust and/or respect. (My father was much the same way.) It's what I think of as "generational" racism. They got it from their parents, who got it from their parents, etc. But my mother was a natural born teacher. During my elementary years she began working occasionally as a substitute teacher at my school. Then she got her GED and became a teacher's assistant. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because my mother did not graduate from high school, she was stupid or dumb. She wasn't. She just lived in a time and place when graduating, especially for girls, wasn't that big a deal. So, anyway, she was working full time at my elementary school by the time I reached 5th or 6th grade. One of the other elementary teachers was a black woman. That was, I believe, the first time my mother ever really had the opportunity to get to know a black person. I mean really get to know them. Knowing this one person opened my mother's eyes in a profound way. It taught her that all the garbage she'd heard her entire life was, in fact, not true. It changed her life.

Okay, so the South has plenty of racism. Yes, there are groups like the KKK, skinheads and neo-nazis who've carried it to violent extremes. But none of that behavior is limited to the South. And this I know first hand from personal experience. I was born and raised in Mississippi, but I have spent my entire adult life living above the Mason-Dixon Line. In fact, as my childhood best friend recently pointed out to me, I have now lived longer in the North than I did in the South. (Pardon me for just a moment while I grieve for that fact....Okay, I'm back now.)

I lived in Mississippi for almost the first 18 years of my life. I moved to Indiana just before my 18th birthday and have lived there ever since. (More than 21 years, now.) So I have plenty of experience with life in both regions, and what have I found? I have found that there is every bit as much racism here in the supposedly enlightened North as I ever saw in my backwards home state. The biggest difference is that up here it is far more insidious. It hides behind false smiles and pretended tolerance. I was told that one of the grand wizards of the KKK once lived right here in my small town. A family that I knew quite well and that fronted a friendly, open, Christian appearance turned out to have VERY close ties to the Klan. (Not so close to them now.) Even people I respect on many other issues have some frighteningly racist leanings. I find it a little scary just how well it's hidden around here.

I make no excuses for Southern racism. Racism is never excusable, never "okay." It is very offensive to me, but even more so when it comes from someone who hides it behind a smile. Someone who spews racist rhetoric is at least honest about how they feel. They aren't shaking hands with a person of color with a big ol' smile plastered on their face while secretly thinking about how beneath them that person is, or worse, spewing their skewed views behind that person's back. I've seen all this right here in the good old North. Yankees are every bit as racist as Southerners, they're just much more secretive about it. And that, in my book, makes them even worse. Because they're two faced. Talking love, and respect, and wholesome Christian values out of one side of their mouth while the other spreads cliched racist lies.

So, maybe, the next time someone makes a joke about backwards, inbred, racist Southerners, you might want to take a moment to consider that it is just as offensive as a joke about a black person and a watermelon. I am a born and bred Southerner. I am highly offended by every form of racism. I am intelligent, educated, and hardly "backwards." I am proud of much of my Southern heritage. Believe me when I tell you that being Southern is a blessing. As the saying goes, "American by birth, Southern by the grace of God." Yes, slavery is a part of our past. But there was a time when Northerners owned slaves as well. And that whole notion that the Civil War was all about Southern plantation owners not wanting to lose their slaves is a load of baloney. Sure, slavery played a role in the war, but there was a lot more to it than that. The point is, I've never known a single person who owned a slave and neither have you. Well, maybe you have. There was a news story I read just the other day about a human slave ring that was broken up in NYC recently involving a bunch of young women from Africa who were being forced to braid the hair of black women while being kept in deplorable conditions and frequently raped and abused as well. The leader of the slave ring was a black woman. Imagine that.

So maybe it's time people pulled their heads out of the sand and took a real look around. The South is not the seat of all racism any longer. It is not a hotbed of human atrocity and abuse. It is just a geographical region filled with people who, despite having an accent that makes them sound a little slow, are sick and tired of being labeled as something they aren't. That accent doesn't make us stupid. It just makes us different.

I am proud of who I am and where I come from. I was raised to be honest, loyal, and trustworthy. I was raised to understand that my family is my responsibility. I was raised to love with all my heart and without reservation. I was raised to believe in God, to trust in Him and to know that He died for me. I was raised to be polite and respectful, but to stand up for what I believe in. I was taught to love, even when it isn't easy to do so. Even when your heart is breaking, you hang on. Seen "Steel Magnolias?" Then you know what I'm talking about. Being Southern shouldn't have to be something shameful. As I told someone who made a joke (directly to my face) about how backwards my home was, "I'd rather be from a backwards place like that, than from anywhere I've lived or visited since leaving."

Being Southern has been nothing but a blessing to me. Even the racism I grew up surrounded by came with a bonus. It made me hate racism. It taught me to recognize it, even when it was well hidden. The fact is, I haven't lived in the South for more than 2 decades. The other truth is, every time I go home (which is VERY, VERY seldom since both my parents are dead,) there's a place on the road where something lifts from my chest. Some invisible weight that I don't even notice until it's gone seems to ease and my body reaches a state of relaxation that I cannot describe. I can't give you a mile marker or a town name. But it's somewhere south of Nashville, some time after the trees along the sides of the road become mostly tall pines. Somewhere after the kudzu starts covering anything that isn't moving. Somewhere after little BBQ joints start popping up along the side of the road. There's a place out there where my body seems to recognize that it's almost home and I love it. I love those pines. Always did, despite the fact that where I'm from, they're considered trash trees. And BBQ will never, ever be anything but a smoked pork butt that's been slow cooked until it's literally falling off the bone. And sweet iced tea is the most popular drink, often served in Mason jars just because that's what's sitting around.

Southern culture is not about racism. It's about family and friends and hot nights filled with crickets and lightning bugs and slow rolling storms. It's about honesty and hard work and never, ever letting someone who doesn't know you tell you that you need to be ashamed of who you are or where you were born. Southern pride is a very real thing. Whatever mistakes my Southern ancestors made don't belong on my shoulders and I won't let anyone put that weight there. I am a Southern woman and no matter how long I live up here amongst the Yankees (nor the fact that I married one of them) will change who or what I am. If I live to be 100 and die and am buried up here, I will still be a Southern woman and I will still be proud of that fact.

So, if you've got a repertoire of Southern jokes or some foolish notion that the South in general, and Mississippi in particular are the root of all racist evil, then you better keep those things to yourself when you're around me. Because that's one thing I will set you straight on in a hurry. Someday, maybe I'll get a chance to move back below the Mason-Dixon Line. My husband loves it down there. He loves the way life is slower, less harried. I won't ever go back to my hometown. It's a long story, but there are just too many painful memories there. But I wouldn't mind living down South somewhere. Some place where my house can be surrounded by tall pines like these:

I actually sang this song as part of my school chorus. Gotta love Elvis, even if you aren't Southern!

YeeHa, Y'all!

A Little Common Courtesy, Please...

I'm not the kind of person who gets offended easily. Not for myself, at least. I suppose I was different when I was younger, because I remember my feelings being much more sensitive then. I've grown up, I guess. That, and I have a natural attitude that inclines me to give most people the benefit of the doubt. I just don't want to believe that people out there intentionally set out to cause others pain. Not most of them, at least. Call me naive, but it's the way I am. I consider it a gift from God. I'd rather assume the best of others and be occasionally wrong, than to always assume the worst and be constantly right!

Having said this, I will have to admit that I DO get offended on behalf of others. I don't know why. I just absolutely hate to see someone else hurt. I want to defend them, to rush in like some kind of avenging angel and protect them from the cruelties and insensitivities (however unintentional they may be) of the world.

- I can't help but mention the vision that has popped into my head at this point. For whatever reason, I am thinking of an angry mother hen, feathers all ruffled, voice growling out a warning to anyone who dares to threaten her chicks.


Yes, I had chickens when I was a child. Yes, I have them now. Yes, I have been pecked by an angry hen who did not like the idea of me getting near either her eggs or her young chicks. And yes, I know chickens aren't particularly scary, but seriously, they can have a very impressive attitude!

Okay, so back to what I was saying. Since getting my diagnosis and spending so much time on the CSN website, I have found myself occasionally surprised and even flat out appalled by the idiotic things people have said and done to other cancer patients. The most blatant example of pure idiocy is a story I can't help but repeat. First, let me point out that being bald is hardly the worst problem that comes along with breast cancer and its treatment. As side effects and consequences go, it's pretty tame. Still, as women a lot of our identities can be wrapped up in our hair. Long or short, whatever the color, it is a major part of who we see ourselves as being. So to have it all fall out is no picnic. There's always the wig option, but seriously, the vast majority of survivors who have tried wound up abandoning their wigs because they are flat out uncomfortable. Face it, when you're dealing with the myriad of side effects of cancer treatment, the last thing you want or need is to be uncomfortable just because you don't want to look like some kind of weirdo. So wigs are often out and that means hats, scarves, bandannas, etc. These may be better than a wig, but they're no picnic either. My wonderful chemo has sent me into chemically induced menopause, which basically means I've got all those symptoms along with the standard cancer/chemo ones. Can anyone out there say hot flashes? And I'm not just talking a little warm, here. I'm talking about a full on rush of heat so intense that I have often been quite sure I am physically melting. What does this mean? It means that if I happen to be out in public and am wearing a scarf or bandanna or hat, my head begins to feel like it's trapped in a sauna on an August day in the Amazon. It's not only uncomfortable, it's disgusting as I tend to sweat like mad. Just plain gross. So I tend to ditch the head coverings the moment I get into my car.

All this is to point out that I am not brave enough to just go without anything at all on my head. (The CSN girls call it going "topless.") I don't mind it with people I know well, but it just isn't something I feel comfortable doing in public. I imagine that may change over time, however. Because the self-consciousness might just give way to frustration with the discomfort of always being too hot or too itchy, or too SOMETHING. Generally, the head covers start disappearing pretty soon after most of the ladies start growing hair back. This can take MONTHS even after finishing the chemo, but eventually it does happen. So imagine yourself finally having a little hair after months of being bald and uncomfortable. Do you dare to go out in public with it that short? If you do, you might get this kind of reaction.

This is a true story, as testified by the lady it happened to. She was out at a coffee shop minding her own business. She was in line to get her coffee and a fine, upstanding example of society was in line somewhere behind her. He apparently took issue with her very short hair, because he just could not keep his mouth shut about it. Loudly enough for everyone to hear he said, "It doesn't matter how short that lesbian cuts her hair, it still won't make her a man."

At this point I imagine I would be mortified. I can just see myself turning away and slinking out the door in abject horror. But not this woman. Not this wonderful, brave woman. She calmly finished getting her coffee, then sat it down and turned to face the idiot with the big mouth. See, she'd lost both her breasts to the monster. And in an act of bravery that I can barely fathom, she opened her shirt to flash her mastectomy scars at him and said, "I'm not a lesbian, I'm a breast cancer survivor."

And out the door she goes. She didn't mention it in the post, but I sincerely hope her departure was accompanied by cheers and clapping. It should have been.

This is one extreme example of just how idiotic people can be. There are others that are similar. Parents who hug their children close and pull them away from cancer patients because they either make the same mistake as the coffee shop guy or because they somehow seem to think that the illness might be contagious. It's disturbing to imagine just how mean people can be. I have NO interest in getting into a theological discussion here. I'm a Christian and I believe that homosexuality is wrong. That said, there is absolutely NO excuse for the kind of behavior I have heard some of the ladies on the CSN describe. Rude is rude, period. Treating someone like you think they are sub-human is never, ever okay. You don't have to condone anyone's lifestyle, but you certainly don't have to make them feel like dirt either. Especially when all your assumptions are wrong!

I still want to believe that most people don't intentionally try to cause others pain. I want to make excuses for them, to try to see things from their point of view. But honestly, how self-centered does a person have to be to focus only on themselves when someone else is the one with cancer? I am blessed with a husband who has no problem taking care of me. He loves me, bald or not. He will hold me, encourage me, comfort me, whatever I need. He offers me the support and love that any spouse should. I am forever thankful that God saw fit to bring us together all those years ago.

If the family members I have lost through the years (mother, father, sister, and mother-in-law/best friend) were still here, I know each of them would support and encourage me completely. I don't even have to wonder about it. Again, I have been blessed with family that loves me. And I have friends who love me as well, and who have already offered me so very much in the way of support and encouragement. So it just flat out breaks my heart to read stories of others who are not so fortunate. It makes me angry to see a woman (or anyone) who is already in the middle of what might just be the fight of their lives have to also deal with the sheer agony of a parent, spouse, sibling, etc. who only makes things more difficult. Another example.

One of the ladies on the CSN mentioned something her father did. She is absolutely beautiful, by the way. Before her treatment, she had lovely long, blond hair, close to waist length. She has stunning blue eyes, too. She's about as gorgeous as anyone can be. And her smile is just plain fantastic. She's the kind of woman who would light up any room she walked into. Even without her hair, she's going to always be beautiful.

So her father was over at her house, along with her sister. He mentions her beautiful her sister is. Then he does it again, and again, and again. They two sisters are looking at each other, trying to figure out what he's getting at. Then, as he's getting ready to leave, he looks at his daughter, the one with breast cancer, who is bald because she is fighting for her life, and says, "You could be be beautiful too, if you'd just grow your hair back out."

Seriously?! Needless to say, she was both stunned and hurt. Who wouldn't be? But she was brave enough to stand up for herself. To point out that she wasn't bald by CHOICE, as if any woman (outside of crazy Hollywood actresses and musicians) would choose to be bald. It just amazes me that anyone could be so idiotic and cruel.

I wish this was the only example I could offer. But there are so many others, so many wives facing the fight alone because their husbands can't man up and deal with it. So many daughters whose parents have better things to do than hold their hands in them midst of their fear and uncertainty. So many sisters who just don't have time to be there for each other. It's tragic to me. Tragic and shameful.

I just wish I could reach out and hold each of the women I have encountered who have been so hurt by those who were supposed to care for them. I wish I could somehow smack their husbands, parents, siblings, co-workers, upside the head and jar a little sense loose. But it doesn't work that way. I've certainly witnessed it in my own life. People are selfish. Instead of focusing on the one in need, the one they claim to love and care about, they can't get past their own wants. My favorite excuse is, "I just can't take it."

Really? YOU can't take it? But the person suffering from cancer can? I have never been more angry in my life than the times I have heard someone say that. Because it isn't about YOU! Wow, what arrogance it takes to say such a thing! I always want to come back with, "yeah, well I didn't want to 'take it' when my mother was dying and I was a 17 year old girl having to hold her hand and try to tell her it would be okay. I didn't want to 'take it' when my sister called me to let me know she was dying from cancer. I didn't want to 'take it' when my best friend and mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer, either, and needed someone there just to hold her hand through the whole mess." It infuriates me to this day to hear those words spoken or even implied. Because I know first hand what it's like to have to set aside everything, including your own fears and worries and emotions, so that you can support someone else who you love. It's what grown ups are supposed to do. It's what family is supposed to do. And anyone who has ever said they couldn't take it and then walked away from someone in need should be ashamed of themselves.

Wow, I'm on a rant tonight! I need to just quit before I dig myself into some kind of hole. I guess I just want us all to take a few steps back and look around us. It's very easy to get caught up in day to day life. Realistically, our own issues and problems can sometimes be almost more than we can take. But the fact is, there is a measure of relief in helping others. However stressful our life may be, whatever issues we may be facing, no matter how big or small, we can find some peace from them when we take our eyes off ourselves and focus on someone else instead. Telling yourself that your problems are just all you can handle at the moment is a bit of selfishness. Because whatever you're dealing with, there's someone else out there who's facing something worse. Something bigger and badder. I have cancer, but it isn't terminal. It may come back someday, it may even kill me if it does, but there are others who already know the worst of what cancer can do. There are people who have walked into their doctor's office thinking they had a lifetime ahead of them and have walked out with the burden of a terminal diagnosis. There are children who are fighting this monster before they're even able to walk on their own.

I have been and continue to be blessed. I am thankful for every moment, for every friend and family member who loves me, for God who never, ever abandons me. I am thankful that despite my current crisis, I can still look to God with faith and trust and know that whatever comes, He will carry me through it. And I am thankful that I am not so self-centered that I can't see past my own problems. I am thankful that I have compassion for others, that I hurt when they hurt. I am thankful that caring about others, thinking of and praying for them, helps me to not be so selfish. I am far from perfect, but I hope that I never make anyone I love face a trial alone because I'm too self-absorbed to help them.