Day Two...

 Today's reading: Job chapters 6-20

Alright, I'm in the middle of today's reading and feeling the need to comment on thoughts that are coming to me as I go. I'm afraid that if I wait until I'm finished, I won't remember everything. Frankly, I have trouble remembering what comes to mind long enough for me to put down my Bible and type it up here. LOL Anyway...

Job's getting just a little bit whinny. Then again, with all the things his "friends" are saying to him, who can blame him? I can't help but notice, though, that Job is ascribing attributes to God that are less about Who God is than about how hopeless Job is feeling. For instance:
When disaster brings sudden death, he mocks at the calamity of the innocent. The earth is given into the hand of the wicked; he covers the faces of its judges—if it is not he, who then is it? Job 9:23-24

Sound familiar? How many times have you heard people in grief "blame" God for the failings of this fallen world? After 9/11, how many people accused God of not caring, of "allowing" it to happen when He could have stopped it? When we're facing tragedies that are so great they overwhelm us, we often want someone to blame and the larger the scope of the tragedy, the higher up the ladder we go when looking for a culprit. In mind-boggling tragedies like 9/11, or hurricane Katrina, or the earthquake and tsunami that devastated Japan, we can't seem to help looking to God and questioning why He would let so many suffer and die. But we need to remember that God isn't sitting up there plotting ways to cause us pain. Tragedies happen because this world is fallen. Sin exists and pain and suffering and grief are direct results of that fact. All tragedies are not the result of personal sin, but merely a byproduct of the fallen state of this world. God cannot be blamed for that.


Here's another verse that jumped out at me.For he is not a man, as I am, that I might answer him, that we should come to trial together. There is no arbiter between us, who might lay his hand on us both. Job 9:32-33

The KJV uses the word, "daysman" for arbiter. Another translation I read uses mediator. Immediately the first thought that popped into my head was 1 Timothy 2:5: For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus,
Job's complaining that there is no mediator to stand between him and God and reconcile whatever problem God has with him. Wow. Praise God that we have a Mediator, that Jesus Christ makes intercession for us with God!

You just have to love Zophar the Naamathite. He is the very picture of a good Christian today! What's his response to Job's troubles and grief and hopelessness?
For you say, 'My doctrine is pure, and I am clean in God’s eyes.' But oh, that God would speak and open his lips to you, and that he would tell you the secrets of wisdom! For he is manifold in understanding. Know then that God exacts of you less than your guilt deserves. Job 11:4-6
Boy, if that doesn't sound like a "good" Christian, I don't know what does. You know, obviously Job deserved what he was getting. In fact, ol' Zophar is quick to let Job know that he undoubtedly deserved a lot worse than what he was getting!

How many times have you found yourself sitting in judgment over someone else's misfortune? Not that God doesn't punish. He most certainly does. He corrects His children when they need it. But I find myself consistently amazed by how many Christians claim to know the mind and purpose of God. They look at tragedy and declare, like Zophar, that it must be "deserved" or it wouldn't be happening. Sticking with my earlier theme of major disasters, I know plenty of people who said 9/11, Katrina, and even the earthquake and tsunami in Japan were God's judgment on those affected. I saw some make the same claim about the tornado that ripped through the heart of Joplin, Missouri.

Amazing how many Christians seem to have a direct line into the heart and mind of God. They know these tragic events were His judgment, not merely evidence of the fallen state of this universe. Same thing with disease. I've lost count of how many times I've heard a fellow Christian say, usually with more than a hint of haughtiness, that the reason someone is sick is because they just weren't living their life right before God.

My point here isn't that global, national, local or personal tragedies are never God's judgment. Sodom and Gomorrah were wiped of the face of the planet in spectacular fashion as a direct warning to the fact that God can, will, and does exact judgement upon people and places that deliberately turn their backs on Him. Yet, even in that instance, God said that He would have spared the cities if there had been just 10 righteous men left within them. It speaks volumes that even that small number could not be found. But I have to ask, do you seriously believe that of all the people who died, or who lost loved ones or their homes in tragedies like 9/11 or Katrina or Japan or Joplin, not even 10 of them could be called righteous in God's eyes. Or maybe we're just assuming that 10 was an arbitrary number and God really wouldn't have stood by it? Or maybe it's changed somewhere along the way? Or just maybe, like what Job is going through, it is meant as a test for the righteous, an opportunity for them to bring glory and honor to God by remaining true to Him in the midst of their tragedy.

In short, I can't help but feel that while the Bible tells us that we will judge all things, it also warns us not to be judgmental of others. It warns us to have compassion on those who are suffering. And if there's one thing I think gets in the way of a vast number of Christians both growing in the Lord and being effective in serving Him, as well as in witnessing to others about Him, it's pride and arrogance. Every single time a Christian points a finger at those suffering in some tragedy and says, "yep, that's God's judgment right there," it hardens one more heart against God. It leads one more person to say, "If that's what it means to be a Christian, then I don't want any part of that 'Holier than thou' attitude." We really need to be careful how we not only treat others, but how we speak to and about them. The Bible says very plainly that we are recognized as Christians by our love; love for each other, and love for all men. First: Love God. Second: Love others as you love yourself. It's very simple. Yet we seem to have a lot of trouble being as kind-hearted, forgiving, encouraging, and loving to others as we are with ourselves. That's a real shame.

On a somewhat lighter note, I absolutely adore Job's sarcasm in Job 12:2-3: No doubt but ye are the people, and wisdom shall die with you. But I have understanding as well as you; I am not inferior to you: yea, who knoweth not such things as these?
Basically, "well aren't you just a pack of know-it-alls? I guess when you die, all wisdom will die with you! Well, I know a few things, too - and you're no better than I am! Who doesn't know the things you've been saying?" Priceless. I love that the Bible isn't just staid words, but that it's alive with feeling and emotion, just like we are.

The rest of today's reading is more tit for tat between Job and his 3 "friends," Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. I couldn't help but notice that keep calling each other windbags. Funny how typical that is. One uses an insult and their opponent promptly turns it around and uses it on them in return. Don't we all do the same thing when we let our tongues get away from us?

This trio of men keep talking about how the wicked will fall, how they will be judged by God, implying not so subtly that Job is being judged and must therefore be wicked. And poor Job just keeps on asserting his innocence and asking them why they're so determined to tear him down even further when he's already at rock bottom. He wants to know why they aren't there to lift him up, to encourage him, to offer their support as he wades through this nightmare of grief.

One thing I started wondering was what Job would have done if they hadn't shown up, though. He starts off feeling pretty doggone sorry for himself. That's still there and it's completely understandable given his circumstances. But he's talking about how much he just wants to die, how God's out to get him for no reason at all and he'd have been better of if he'd died in his mother's womb. As a person who's battled clinical depression my entire adult life, I can certainly sympathize with his feelings. I've been there myself. And while Job's pals aren't doing anything at all to support him, they are making him focus a little less on feeling sorry for himself.

Job winds up chapter 19 with this: (verse 25) For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. 
And verses 28-29: If you say, 'How we will pursue him!' and, 'The root of the matter is found in him,' be afraid of the sword, for wrath brings the punishment of the sword, that you may know there is a judgment.
An indictment against them for blaming Job for all the troubles that had befallen him and a warning that they are the ones who ought to be worried about being judged for their self-righteous attitudes.

I guess my biggest take away from these chapters is a reminder to stay humble when faced with the tragedy or troubles of others. While it is our job to represent God, to spread His Word and to lead others to His salvation, it would benefit us all to remember that, though not a Biblical verse, this old adage is still very true and pertinent: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. If we want to draw others to God, to be the kinds of Christians that make non-believers stand up and say, "I want what they've got," we have to be loving people. Not condoners of sin, or so afraid of being disliked or misunderstood that we refuse to confront sin no matter how heinous it might be, but people who are wise enough to seek God's guidance in every word we speak. We can confront sin without being confrontational. We just have to be willing to swallow our personal pride and our need to "one-up" whomever we are confronting, and let God guide us in how we speak and act. Because it isn't our actions or words that will lead anyone to Christ, it is His love shining through us that will draw them in.

Lord, please help me to bind my wayward tongue, to rein it in when it would speak rashly or with anything less than Your great love. Remind me to be humble, to seek Your will and Your guidance before jumping into any conversation, especially when it involves another person's grief or pain. Remind me that no matter how long I have known You or served You, I do not know Your holy mind or the breadth or scope of Your great plan for anyone's life, including my own. Forgive me for being arrogant and thinking that I can "shame" others into being who and what I believe they ought to be. Please let me be a beacon for the immeasurable depth of Your love, demonstrated by the death of Christ on the cross for all mankind. Amen.

Day One...

Well, today was day one in our efforts to read through the Bible in 90 days. Our reading was Genesis chapters 1-11 and Job chapters 1-5. Following our SOAP formula, I'm supposed to pick out a verse that stood out or spoke to me. There were a couple of them.

First, Genesis 1:1 always gets me. "In the beginning, God..." There is just so much power and meaning in those four little words. They are the foundation of the entire Bible, the basis of all our faith. In the beginning, God: was, existed, created the entire universe, saw the time when His own Son would become the sacrifice for the sins of the whole world, saw me, knew me, and loved me. He was the Alpha and the Omega even before the beginning! It makes logical sense for the Bible to begin with the account of the creation of the world, but more than that, I think there's even greater meaning to why the Bible begins with those first four words. Because without "In the beginning, God..." nothing else matters at all.

I just love those words. I love the incredible promise contained within them. Praise the Lord that God was there even before the beginning!

The other verse that caught my attention was Job 1:22: "In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong." For the sake of clarification, here is the "this" verse 22 refers to:

Now there was a day when his sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house, and there came a messenger to Job and said, "The oxen were plowing and the donkeys feeding beside them, and the Sabeans fell upon them and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you." While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, "The fire of God fell from heaven and burned up the sheep and the servants and consumed them, and I alone have escaped to tell you." While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, "The Chaldeans formed three groups and made a raid on the camels and took them and struck down the servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you." While he was yet speaking, there came another and said, "Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house, and behold, a great wind came across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young people, and they are dead, and I alone have escaped to tell you." Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:13-21 (ESV)

So, Job lost all his livestock and all his children on the same day, one report of bad news coming right on the heels of the last one and what did he do? He grieved, certainly. He tore his clothes and shaved his head in agony. But then he fell on the ground and worshiped God! He didn't get mad at God. He didn't blame God. He didn't stomp his feet and shout to the heavens, demanding to know why so much grief had been poured over him. He simply worshiped God. He immediately recognized and vocalized the truth that God is the source of all our blessings and it is in His hands how long we are allowed to keep them. Though the words are not said here, I can only believe that Job knew and believed with all his heart that "for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (ESV)

I wish I could say I've had that kind of trust and faith all my life. I haven't. I spent a lot of years after the death of my mother being miffed that God had taken her from me. I wanted to know why. And even after I finally found peace with that, I have had moments when I again found myself questioning God's wisdom and reasoning. Losing people we love is never easy. Even when we know they've made professions of salvation, when we believe they are gone to be in the presence of the Lord, letting go is always painful for us. The years have taught me to trust God, to rely on His strength to carry me through the hard times. Still, though I have learned to trust Him, I don't know that I could be as devoted as Job was if I lost as much as he did.

All of us who have been Christians for a while know Job's story. We know it got even worse after this, but that he remained faithful through it all, and that in the end, his faithfulness was greatly rewarded. There are all kinds of lessons to be learned from Job, which is precisely why God chose to include his story in the Bible. But I wonder how many of us really try to put ourselves in his place? How many of us take the time to try to imagine how overwhelming his grief must have been. I'm not a mother. I can't conceive of what it would be like to lose a child. But I have friends who have lost children. I know that no matter how many years pass, they still grieve for that child. No matter how many other children they have, there is always a place that cannot be filled. So imagine not losing one child, but losing 10 at one time. All your children just... gone. I imagine the loss of his livestock - which was substantial - didn't hold a candle to the loss of his children.

Now, try to imagine how you would react. Do you think you would praise God? Do you think you could? Could you utter the words, "blessed be the name of the Lord?" Or do you think you'd get stuck thinking about how unfair it was? Do you think you'd wind up looking at God and demanding that He explain just why He would allow you to suffer such intense pain?

Lord, I pray that you would give me strength and courage. That you would shore up my trust in You and erase any doubts that might still linger. Fill me with Your grace and wisdom so that I can face whatever comes with peace in my heart and praises for You on my lips. Amen.

A quick update about my health. I had another heart scan done on Tuesday, July 19. I went this morning to see my oncologist and get the results. My heart function had risen from 51% to 56%. It was at 61% when they did my baseline before I started chemo last year. So I'm on the way back up, which is very good news since it means I can continue to get my herceptin treatments. If all continues to go well, I'll finish them up some time in November. I'm more than half way there! I got my treatment today, so I've got 3 weeks until the next one.

God is so GOOD!!!

The Global Connection.....

I am fairly computer savvy. Not brilliant. Not by a long shot. No one will ever have to worry about me turning into a computer hacker or programmer. I missed that boat by a few years. I come from the generation that grew up right when computers were just starting to become available to the general public. An Atari was as close as we got. I was out of high school and living with my husband when I finally got my first home computer. It still used big ol' 8" floppy discs and had no internal memory to speak of. Then again, it was a clearance special from an outlet store. LOL

Had I come along a few years later, I might have grown up with a personal computer in the house. I might have learned to type on it instead of the ancient typewriter my mother kept in a closet. [DING!] I might have learned BIOS right along with English. But, I didn't. I missed it by a few years. I can actually remember an article in a "3-2-1 Contact" magazine that predicted how we would all have home computers one day and that we would actually use them to shop, to order things without ever having to leave the house. I was in such awe of that. I can remember telling my mother all about it, being so amazed at the very idea of being able to connect with the local Piggly Wiggly or Wal-Mart from home. (Not sure if Piggly Wiggly is even still around. We had 2 of them in my home town and Mark still laughs about it to this day.) As a kid, the notion of connecting to a store across town was fantastic. I couldn't even imagine being able to connect to the entire world.

These days most of us are indeed connected. We have home computers, not even desktops any longer, but laptops that we move around with, that give us the freedom to make and maintain connections from almost anywhere to almost anywhere on the planet. And laptops are probably on their way out, too, as they get smaller and smaller, hold more and more memory and speed and technology. Net books are rising fast, never mind things like iPads. (Lord, above, I LOVE my iPad!) I've had my iPad for over a year now (it's a 1st gen) and it has made me ignore my laptop a lot. I use the laptop for stuff like this, because let's face it, typing on a screen even as large as the one on a iPad is a pain. And I'm just too cheap to pick up a keyboard for it, especially when I have my laptop and when a big part of what I love about my iPad is its portability. If I start adding a bunch of accessories like a keyboard and mouse, then it ceases to be quite so portable.

Add a smart phone to the laptop and iPad and I guess I'm as "plugged in" as the next person. Yet, even with all this, I am still not as connected as many out there. I have a Facebook page. I use it to keep up with family and friends that are scattered all over the country. My husband's Facebook friends are global. Places like England and Dubai. I am a member of an online Christian community called Worthy Christian Forums that has members from all over the globe. Australia, Canada, South Africa, England, Israel, America. We come together to share thoughts and testimonies about our Christian beliefs and walks. We pray for each other, uplift each other, learn from each other, all without having ever once met in person. I share photos I take online at Flickr, and in turn enjoy the incredible photos of others. Obviously, I have this blog that allows me to ramble on about whatever is on my mind which others can then read and comment on if they so choose. I read blogs of others. All people I don't actually "know." How incredible that we can reach out and "touch" each other no matter how far apart we are!

Finally, I have a Twitter account. This is, however, one social networking tool that I have ignored for the most part. I'd say it's mostly because I'm cheap and as such, do not carry a texting package on my phone. ;-) If I could send and receive texts without having to pay for them, then I'd probably be just as into Twitter as all the rest. Though, seriously, I do wonder why anyone thinks we would care about the mundane minutia of their daily lives. There's some of this on Facebook, with status updates that tell us someone is eating popcorn, or watching TV, or sitting in a park, or something else that means nothing at all. But Twitter is the home of inane, pointless drivel. I do follow a few people, though I don't know why, since I only stop by my Twitter account once every month or so. That pretty much defeats the entire purpose of having Twitter. Especially since at least half the people and/or organizations I follow are news related. LOL Still, I recognize the power of Twitter and the potential it has to be an incredibly useful tool.

Case in point:

I am have been vaguely familiar with Sherwood Baptist Church's Christian movie ministry for a while. These are the people behind the movies, Flywheel, Facing the Giants, and Fireproof. Their newest movie, Courageous, is due to be released September 30th. They are a Southern Baptist Church located in Albany, GA. I recently saw them mentioned on the TLC show "19 Kids and Counting" when Jim Bob and his kids took part in filming while visiting the set. This was back when Michelle was still in Little Rock with Josie. Anyway, even more recently somehow, someway, through one of my social internet connections, I was told about the movie, Courageous. I went to look it up and did some browsing on the Sherwood BC site, read some of the stuff from their pastor Michael Catt's blog, and decided to follow him. I'm marginally better with keeping up with the blogs I follow than I am with my Twitter account since I use Google Reader to keep me abreast of the blogs and news and other things I take interest in. I do still sometimes let a few days go by without checking it, though.

Last week, Michael Catt posted "Oh Be Careful Little Hands What You Tweet." I don't follow him on Twitter because, well, I don't "follow" the people I already follow, so why bother adding anyone new? That's why I subscribed to his blog. Yet this post really spoke to me. It drove home just how connected we all are and how God can and does use technology to accomplish His purposes. It also reminded me just how careful we all need to be with what we say and do, whether online or in person, since we never know just who might be listening or who might read what we've said. In Michael's case, he posted a comment about the recent gaff by NBC where they absurdly removed the words "Under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of the 2011 US Open Golf Tournament. (That is a whole 'nother rant!)

He mentioned that if they couldn't get something that simple right, then how are we supposed to trust them on "big" things? Good question. And one that was picked up by the New York Daily News when they wrote an article about the omission. One must understand how Twitter works to appreciate what this meant for Michael. Twitter is driven by what is known as "trending." A topic or a person or an idea becomes popular with a few well-known or heavily followed members and suddenly, he/she/it is being commented on and followed by thousands more. Getting your name in the limelight is a good way to suddenly find yourself being followed by untold numbers of people across the globe. This is what happened to Michael Catt. He didn't realize it, though, until a few days later when, while sitting at home, he decided to post a thought that he'd been dwelling on.

“What if 1,000 pastors starting calling for prayer, repentance and revival? What we have is not working.”

So simple. So down to earth. An idea from one pastor to other pastors. A heartfelt query as to what could be done to change the growing apathy that seems so terribly rampant within our churches today. As leaders of our churches, our pastors guide us. If they devote themselves to prayer, repentance and revival, then call upon their congregations to do the same, what might it lead to? Michael Catt tossed this idea out there as it came to him and never expected the response he would get.

Within the first hour, he said he'd received responses from all over the U.S. and even from as far away as India. Pastors everywhere were responding that they were "in." They would join him in a call for revival in God's house. Michael talks about it far better than I could, so I encourage you to read his post.

I have no idea if this will become a true movement within the Body of Christ. I hope and pray it does, as true revival seems to be a thing of the past. What I am amazed by, however, is just how quickly and easily Christians from around the globe were able to read of this and respond to it. As Michael Catt says, we have become lukewarm as a people. We sit here and whine and grumble about the state of this nation, but ignore the states of our own hearts and homes. We follow the routine of attending church without more than a token thought for God or His Son or the guidance of His Spirit. Mediocre has become "good enough." We have not only lost our love for God, true, life-altering love and adoration of the One who created us, but we have lost our hunger for holiness. We talk a good game, but when push comes to shove, we place our own selfish thoughts and desires before anything else.

We are faithless in our service because it's inconvenient. We make excuses for why we can't or won't go beyond the traditional service "schedule." Heaven forbid we suggest that anyone devote even more time to God than Sunday morning, evening and a Wednesday night service. We have allowed the world and worldly thoughts and emotions to keep us from being true servants, from following after David and being men (and women) after God's own heart.

I'm not just talking about others out there. Though I've seen it first hand in others, I must first look at myself. I have failed God. I have allowed myself to stay out of His house, to avoid dutiful and fruitful study of His Word. I have allowed myself to become lukewarm in a time when we all should be on fire.

Atheists would call it laughable. Certainly I've heard it said all my life that we are rapidly approaching the final days. Perhaps we are already in them. Maybe this world is on the cusp of the final moments of its fallen life. So much of what we see seems to be indicating as much. And if we aren't, if God intends to allow this world to continue, then how much worse will it get? Every single day of the past week someone has been shot in the nearest large city. On one day, two different people lost their lives in violence.

There are copious warnings within the Bible about the coming of the end. In a nut shell, we are told that things will get worse and worse and worse. Everywhere I look, I see pain and grief and hatred and violence. Life has lost its value. And what are God's children doing in these troublesome times? Nothing. We're going to our churches, shaking our heads and clicking our tongues in dismay at what we see on the news, then flipping the channel to our favorite sport or sitcom and forgetting all about the state of the world.

And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25 (NKJV)

Is the Day approaching? Are we nearing the end? I don't know when God will say, "Enough." I don't know when He'll look out upon His creation and say, once and for all, "It is done." I do know that we, as Christians, have shirked our responsibility to each other and to the lost. We are so lazy that we refuse to study the Word for ourselves and so simply repeat the dogma we hear others speak. We are so wrapped up in our own lives that we find it easy to justify skipping church whenever we like. We put our interests before God. We put our families before God. We rely upon our personal thoughts instead of letting God guide us into thinking as He does.

This post by Michael Catt struck home with me because it convicted me of my own failings. We are to lift each other up. To encourage and strengthen one another. A large part of this is done by the fellowship shared by attending church regularly. But how can we do this if we don't bother to show up?

The internet has giving us the ability to connect globally. We can seek out those who share our views or those who oppose them. We can share testimonies about our personal walk with God that can uplift and encourage people we will never meet this side of heaven. All of this is good and beneficial. But it does not take the place of the personal assembly of God's people. We need that one on one connection, the personal closeness gained only by assembling ourselves together where we can lift each other up and provide both spiritual and physical support.

We need revival. And it must begin within each of us. We must seek God's face alone so that we can have power when we seek him as a group. Revival cannot and will not begin because a group of pastors decides we need it. It won't even come if those pastors in turn spread the word that it is needed among their congregations. It will only come when every Christian opens their heart to God as an individual. When we seek His face and His will with no hesitation or reservation. Until that happens, we will just keep right on rolling down the path we're currently on. Weak, divisive, and lukewarm.

GOOD News/BAD News/NO News

GOOD News:

I got the results from my BRAC Analysis (which is actually a test of the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes) and they were negative. Specifically, no mutation was found. This is very GOOD news! It means that there is no abnormalities in either of the genes that have so far specifically been linked to breast cancer. 

BAD News:

I got up with a sore throat this morning. More than sore, it's raw. I blame Mark. He was sick earlier in the week with exactly the same symptoms. My nose isn't stopped up or runny, but I've got snot running down the back of my throat, making it really sore. Not fun. Hopefully it won't last more than a couple of days. I waited until I got back home from Madison to take something for it because I was already tired when I left and I didn't want to make myself even more sleepy. I even stopped at the Java Bean to pick up some coffee, both for the caffeine and the warmth. (I could have made some here before I left but I just didn't think about it until I was already heading toward town.) Bill remembered me from the last time I was in and asked how things were going. I told him that I was finished with the chemo and radiation and he and Jay both congratulated me on it. Then Bill gave me a very yummy coconut confection on my way out the door in celebration. They're such sweet guys. If you're ever in the Vevay, Indiana area you really should stop in and have some lunch or dinner, or just try some of their fantastic confections. They're all heavenly!

NO News:

I still have another genetic test pending. It's called BART (BRAC Analysis Rearrangement Test). It's a test that looks at a broader section of the genes to see if there are any more rare mutations. For someone my age, my doctor says they like to test for everything they possibly can. So I'm still waiting to hear about this test's results. Hopefully they'll be in soon.

Now I want to touch on something I've talked about before, but I just have to mention one more time. GOD IS AMAZING!!!! I woke up this morning, feeling sick and tired and still a bit anxious about what I'd hear when I got to the doctor's office. I get several devotions and Bible verses sent to me through various avenues, Facebook, Email, Blogs, etc. I was sitting on the side of the bed and grabbed up my iPad to check my email. (It has a handy little envelope icon that lets me know whenever I have new mail.) I had 3 new messages. Two were random stuff and one was a daily email I get from James Ryle at Truthworks. In all honesty, I get so many devotions each day that I rarely get the chance to read them all. I save them to look back on later, but I don't always read them. The emails I get from James (he calls his devotions Rylisms) always start the same way. He bases each of them on a verse or verses and those verses are the first thing he writes. They're often the only thing I can actually see on the email. I have to click a link to go to his site and get the entire devotion. This was precisely what I saw when I glanced at today's Rylism in my inbox:

The Untouchables

“You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; but it shall not come near...

 This is Psalms 91:5-7, minus the word "you" at the end. On his site James includes verse 8, but it was these words above that I saw and that felt like the voice of God speaking directly to my heart. I was not so much afraid as anxious, but the result is the same. It robs me of the peace that only comes from fully trusting in God. We SHALL NOT BE AFRAID of anything the world or the devil may throw at us because God is with us, He is our protector, our loving Father, our Sword and Shield against whatever comes our way. Praise the Lord for His love and care!

I didn't even read the devotion. I just saw this scripture and felt the touch of God. I got up and dressed and left just a few minutes later. And out in the car, when I plugged my iPod into my radio and selected a playlist titled "Favorite Christian" this is what I heard:

Either Way (I Win)
written by Frank Arnold, from the album "Faithful" by The Arnolds

Lord, I've fought this battle for so long, and while I've grown weary, I've tried to stay strong
Though the battle rages, when it's all said and done, I'll be undefeated 'cause I've already won

Either way, I win, if You should call me home today, or on this earth You let me stay
For when my life comes to an end, it's only then that it really begins, either way, I win

Lord, You hold my next breath in the palm of Your hand, it's Yours to release or withhold if You should plan
It's kind of hard to feel sad if I think of it that way, so it's all up to You, Lord, do I go, or do I stay?

Either way, I win, if You should call me home today, or on this earth You let me stay
For when my life comes to an end, it's only then that it really begins, either way, I win

Heaven or earth, torn between the two, I love my precious family, but Lord, I love You too, oh yes I do

Either way, I win, if You should call me home today, or on this earth You let me stay
For when my life comes to an end, it's only then that it really begins, either way, I win, either way, I win

Here's a video version of the song I spent way too much time working on. LOL

There were other songs with a similar thing that came after this one. God has done this before for me. He uses music all the time to catch my attention and speak to me. The verse from Psalms above and this song being the first that came on when my iPod is set to play the songs in random order is the hand of God. Call me foolish if you like. Tell me it's merely a coincidence. But I know my Lord is there and that He loves me and cares for me and speaks to me a thousand times a day in a thousand different ways.

If you're facing cancer or any other seemingly insurmountable foe, just remember that God is ALWAYS in control. And even if you lose this fight, you have already won the battle if you just trust in Him. Jesus won the war a long time ago on Calvary. Praise God!

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

Just to get this out of the way... I've finished my second week of radiation. I think I'm starting to notice some changes in the targeted breast, but nothing really uncomfortable so far. Did I mention that my Dr. told me that the breast that gets bombarded with radiation would wind up firmer than the other one? Just what I need. Lopsided breasts. LOL So I've got another couple of weeks of full time treatments to go, plus however many "boost" treatments she decides to give me. Almost half-way there!

I travel to Madison every single week day to get my treatments, so I've been watching the Ohio river as it has risen beyond its banks. This is hardly the worst flood the Ohio has ever seen. It was several feet higher than it is now back in 1997. I live just a few miles outside of Vevay, IN, but I couldn't get to town without going up and over the ridges. The state highway that follows the river was underwater in several places then. Here are a couple of pics I took of the highway back in 1997.

This was to the east of us.

This was to our west. There was no way to go but up!















I've seen the Ohio spread itself pretty far, so I know what's happening now isn't all that bad. Since I'm seeing it every single day, though, it's easy to notice just how far it's rising and how fast. Yesterday I stopped and took a couple of pictures. Today I took several more. Here they are.

This "road" goes out to the treeline you see in the distance. There are several trailers out there which are used for summer camping. The river is usually on the far side of the trees. Out in the water to the right of the road is a speed limit sign saying "10 MPH." I find that oddly funny.

The river is much closer to the road here than in the shot above, but the road is also at a considerably higher elevation. The water depth at the treeline is several feet.

Some time last week, as Mark and I were passing this old barge I joked that if the water got much higher, it would float away. It is normally sitting on dry ground on a massive trailer. I honestly don't know if it is even capable of floating any longer. It's been sitting there for years. And even if its hull is still water tight, I don't know if it could float with that trailer attached to its bottom. A few more feet of water and we just might find out if she's still river worthy!

This is the river at Madison, IN. That's the Milton/Madison bridge in the distance. Ground has already been broken for its replacement. The bridge opened in 1929 and is now considered "functionally obsolete." There was a great deal of discussion about how to replace the bridge, as it is the only way across the river for 26 miles upstream and 46 miles going down stream. They had talked of using a temporary ferry service while the new bridge was under construction, but common sense prevailed. A ferry would be impossible to use in waters this high and with the amount of debris that's in the river. Plus, it couldn't possibly accommodate the necessary traffic. So they decided to leave the old bridge in place while it's replacement is constructed immediately to its downriver side. Once the new bridge is up and in use, the old bridge will be removed. The construction is supposed to be finished in September of 2012. If you're interested, here's the site for the new bridge. It offers info, a pair of live web cams, and a nifty animation and video of the project.

A massive tree trunk bobbing in the swift-moving water. It was just one of many that I could see. There is undoubtedly more junk below the surface of the water. It's dangerous to be in the water at times like this.

A view upstream from the deck of the Milton/Madison Bridge.

I said I had noticed how quickly the water was rising. Day before yesterday we were watching the news and they said the river level had climbed 2 feet in 8-9 hours. That is a LOT of water! I don't think it's climbing quite that quickly now, but it did jump a foot or so in a 24 hour period and I have the pictures to prove it.

On the way home yesterday, I stopped down at the Paul W. Ogle Riverfront Park here in Vevay. This is the site of many events in Vevay. The first that comes to mind is the Swiss Wine Festival that happens here every August. There are other things that happen there, too. Like antique tractor shows, and car shows. The American Cancer Society's annual Relay of Life takes place at the park. It has a playground for children, basketball courts, baseball fields, as well as restrooms, a small grandstand area, and a large boat ramp. All of it is currently under water. Above are a few shots I took of a little car on a giant spring at the edge of the playground, one of the benches that overlooks it, and the swings. Here they are today, 24 hours later:

The car is almost completely submerged. You can just see it peeking out of the top of the water's surface in the third shot. As you can see, I couldn't even get as close to them today as I could yesterday. And they say the water isn't done rising yet. The latest predictions say it will crest at 51.7 feet around noon on Monday. As of 3:00 PM today, it was measuring at 50 feet. If you'd like to track the river's levels and NOAA's predictions for it, you can do so here.

So, now you've seen what the Ohio is doing currently. As much water as it is, as much water as there was in 1997 when the river crested at 60.7 feet, it's nothing compared to what the river has done in the past. Around here, all floods are compared to the Great Flood of 1937. Just as an FYI, the river crested at 76.1 feet in 1937. All my river depths are as reported at Markland.

Here are just a few references to help you imagine just how deep the water was during the '37 flood.

This building is located in Milton, KY, just across the river from Madison. If you look closely, you can see some wave-shaped indicators painted on the side of the building. Here's a closer view:

There are four marks. The lowest marks the 1997 flood. The next one up is from 1945. Then comes the 1964 flood. And finally, near the building's roof, is the mark indicating the water level during the flood of 1937. If these aren't enough, then take a look at what Vevay has to offer.

This is another shot of the Paul Ogle Riverfront Park in Vevay. The playground is just off to the left. The road I'm standing on normally goes straight ahead, dropping off considerably at the distant treeline to the boat ramp below. If you look closely you can see some towers just left of center of the photo. They are actually a trio of large pipes that mark the water level of the 1937 flood. The top of the pipes is how high the water was at its crest in 1937. Every time I look at them, I am just amazed that it could have gotten that high. Here's a closeup shot of the pipes from yesterday:

As you can see, we haven't actually hit flood stage at 51 feet, yet. It looks like we'll go just beyond it.

They say the 1937 flood could never be repeated. They say that the dams that have been built along the river since then would stop it. But I read a report earlier today that pointed out that at some point, the water levels get so high that all the gates are open and when that happens, there's nothing else they can do. Frankly, I find it amazing that anyone would be foolish enough to suggest that anything man-made can control God's great creation. The river floods, then recedes, then floods again. With just the right weather conditions, there's no reason to believe that the river couldn't reach such depths once again. I pray it never does. Back in 1997 practically the entire town of Falmouth, KY was swept away. It's been rebuilt, of course, but if the '97 flood could do that, then a repeat of the '37 flood would be downright devastating. There are a lot more people living along the Ohio these days. Lord help us all if the waters ever get that high again.

If anyone is interested, there are a couple of articles I came across that appeared in the "RoundAbout" guide in the past that talk about the 1937 flood. You can find the first one here, and the second one here.

And now, a quick note about the earthquakes and tsunami that have struck Japan. Mark caught it on the news this morning and mused that it seems as if there are no "small" earthquakes anymore. They're all high up on the Richter scale. I was talking with a lady in the waiting room at my radiologist's, and she said that upon hearing the news she wondered if the world was coming to an end. She was joking, but I can't bring myself to laugh. The number of natural disasters just seems to be growing by leaps and bounds. Maybe it only seems that way because we have virtually instant media coverage of every single event that happens pretty much anywhere in the world. But I have to wonder if maybe God isn't trying to tell us all something. Something like, "Watch Out! Be Ready!"

Please pray for those effected by the earthquakes and the tsunamis. Almost the entire town of Kesennuma, home to 74,000 people is either burning or submerged. And then there is the possible leak of radiation from one of their nuclear plants. The Japanese media is reporting that they're already estimating the death toll to reach more than 1000 people. There are dark, hard days ahead for the Japanese people. Lift them up to God and while you're at it, give Him thanks for the safety of yourself and your loved ones.

That Still Small Voice...

First off, I meant to get this written and posted last night, but I was just too exhausted to do it. The steroids I had to start taking day before yesterday just would not let me sleep at all Tuesday night, so I was worn out. Anyway, it's a day later than I wanted, but at least it's here.

I had to go to the hospital early yesterday morning to have a scan done of my heart to make sure none of the chemo I've had so far has caused any damage. The next 2 chemos I'm taking are Taxotere and Herceptin. The Herceptin will be a year long event. The Taxotere will consist of 4 courses, taken every 3 weeks. I began the first course yesterday along with the first course of the Herceptin. I'll get it every week while I'm getting the Taxotere, then once that is fiinshed, the Herceptin schedule will move out to every 3 weeks as well.

Mark and I were worried about what to expect with these new meds. We'd gotten used to the side effects of the Adriamycin and Cytoxin, but new meds means new side effects. What worked or didn't work before is all out the window. I'm happy to say that so far, I'm not really having any obvious issues. No nausea at all, praise the Lord! (I was a little worried about it because this time around I wasn't taking one of the nausea meds I took for the A/C.) The Herceptin can cause flu-like symptoms, including fever and body aches, so they gave me Tylenol and Benedryl before they started the infusion. I did not notice anything yesterday, besides the Benedryl making me tired. This morning I woke up with just a tiny bit of joint aching that may or may not have anything to do with the Herceptin. I just took some Tylenol to be safe.

I was so exhausted yesterday that I slept pretty good last night. I woke up too soon, and just had to take another dose of the steroids, so I don't know if I'll get to go back to sleep at some point. If the Decadron kicks in, sleep probably won't happen. Today's the last day I have to take it, though, so that's good news.

Okay, update done. Now I want to talk about how God talked with me yesterday morning. I have devotions I read, several in fact. I try to keep up on reading my Bible, too, though I confess I don't get it done every single day. God knows I regret that and Lord willing, He'll help me be more diligent in that respect. There's a song I know that talks about our tendency to overlook God. About how we could and should pray more, read our Bibles more, etc. But the chorus of the song says, "Sometimes I overlook Him, but He still looks over me." How very true that is. Even when I let life get in my way and I start slacking on my devotion time with God, I know He is still here, patiently waiting for me to remember Him and turn to Him. I'm forever grateful for His great mercy and love and the undeserved patience He shows me when I get just a little too self-centered to keep all my focus on Him.

So, one of the ways I often find that God likes to chat with me is through music. I've loved music, in most all forms, for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it's the music itself, but just as often it's the amazing, powerful, and beautiful lyrics God has gifted so many out there with the talent to write. Honestly, I guess I'd say I would be hard pressed to pick one single artist or group that I could call my absolute favorite. Mostly because I'm pretty eclectic and depending on my mood, I listen to a lot of different styles of music. I've heard some say that there's no such thing as "Contemporary" Christian, or "Country" Christian, or Christian "Rock", etc. I would respectfully beg to differ. I have listened to it all most of my life and I like some of all of it. I own some of all of it, well, not so much the Christian Rock because I just sort of outgrew that as I got older. I lean toward Southern Gospel, Christian Country, and some Contemporary Christian for the most part. (Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of secular music as well, through I don't listen to it nearly as much as I used to. I still love it, from the Eagles, to some Opera, to Classical, to Garth Brooks, to Broadway. PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, I'm talkin' about you! LOL) Like I said, I love music in most all of it's forms. Got that from my parents. They were both musically inclined and could sing. My mother played the piano by ear. Boy do I wish I'd inherited that particular talent. Anyway, music comes in all forms and styles. And nowhere does it say that the only true Christian music is old Bluegrass or songs out of the Hymnals. (Both of which I also happen to like.) Specifically, the Bible mentions "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;" Eph 5:19, and "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him." Col 3:16-17

Just my opinion, but any song with a strong Christian message, whatever "style" it happens to be in, is a "spiritual song." And if the artist is doing it "in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him," then that's even better. And even having said all this, I can think of more than one beloved and popular Christian song written by artists that do not necessarily live what anyone would call a Christian lifestyle. Kris Kristofferson's "One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus" comes to mind. And how about "I Saw the Light" by Hank Williams? There are plenty of examples in the Bible of God using unsaved/unbelieving and sometimes downright evil individuals to forward His plans and purposes and message. Sometimes, God gives inspiration to those we least expect and the result is something beautiful that can uplift and encourage us in spite of its origins. Sadly, I can also think of former Christian artists who have written some incredibly powerful music that somehow got lost along their journey and now are so terribly backslidden that it is heartbreaking. The one that comes to my mind - because I have loved his music for years and have sung many, many of his songs because they are so incredibly powerful - is Ray Boltz. He wrote, "The Anchor Holds," "I Pledge Allegiance to the Lamb," "At the Foot of the Cross," and so very many others. Yet, a few years ago he suddenly announced that he was, and always had been, gay. He had a wife and children that he turned his back on to embrace his new "lifestyle." I find it amazing that he still claims to be a Christian and to write what he calls Christian music. He made a choice to put a lifestyle he wanted to live before God, and that's tragic, especially when it is so obvious that God had given him a profound talent. He is not the only Christian artist to do this, either. But my point is, just because he has lost his way does not change the fact that God gave him the inspiration to write songs with wonderful messages. I still love those songs he wrote, and I still sing them. Some may disagree with that choice, but I simply cannot make myself ignore the message of a song just because I know who it came from. God speaks how and when and through whomever He chooses. Even if that person is someone most "good" Christians would have no respect for.

Wow, got a little off the topic I originally wanted to discuss, here. Suffice it to say, I find music a powerful thing. God speaks to me through it all the time. I get in the car and my iPod is hooked up to my radio so I can pick and choose between all the music I own, as well as more than a few audio devotions, if the mood strikes. Usually, I go for the music because I just love to sing along. Anyway, yesterday morning when I got in the car I was really tired from the lack of sleep and I wanted something I knew really well so I could sing along without having to try to remember the words. I chose "Selah," a group that I suppose is considered Contemporary Christian, though they have released an entire album of Hymns. They began as a brother and sister both raised in Africa by their missionary parents and grand parents. They joined up with a college friend and started a group that specializes in absolutely magnificent harmonies and simple, powerful music with unmistakably profound messages. I adore them. I love the harmonies for certain, but more than that, I am amazed at the songs they have written themselves. So much power and obvious love of God.

One of the first songs that came on was "Unredeemed." This song never fails to touch me, but yesterday it seemed to be even more profound to me. The line that gets me every single time is "When anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord, just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed." What we give to God, however dark or painful or utterly broken, He can and will heal and fix. We just have to take that first step of letting Him have control. Here is a beautiful You Tube video someone put together of the song including the lyrics.

Soon after "Unredeemed" came "I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)." This song was based upon a poem written by Angie Smith, wife of Todd Smith, one of the founding members of Selah. Back in January 2008, they learned that their fourth daughter, Audrey Caroline, was terribly ill. She was still in Angie's womb at the time and there was no doubt that Audrey would not survive. Angie started a blog to chronicle the events that would follow that fateful day that her 20 week ultrasound revealed the terrible news. The story is both heartbreaking and one of the most uplifting that I have every known. I have never lost a child. I cannot even conceive of the grief and agony of such a thing. But Angie, Todd, and Audrey's story is so incredible. How they dealt with what they knew was coming. How they chose to trust God, to let the tragedy draw them nearer to Him. Read the blog if you want to know the full depth of the miracle they experienced.Bring the Rain - Angie Smith's blog, the beginning of the story 

No, Audrey was not miraculously healed. But her parents and family were given a magnificent gift that defied all the expectations and predictions of the doctors. Audrey did not die immediately after birth. She lived for just over two hours, during which time her parents and sisters and grandparents and other family and close friends got to hold her and bathe her and love her and take many photos of this precious baby girl. That time was a pure miracle. Audrey, with her host of health issues, should not have been able to survive outside her mother's womb. Yet she did. For 2 hours, God gave her the breath and life to carry on. This video of her song was posted by Angie herself and includes photos of her, her husband Todd, and their other 3 daughters, as well as many of the photos taken of Audrey after her birth. The words of the song are as powerful as any I have ever heard. Angie's trust in God just shines through the words she wrote. It is the second chorus that brings me chills, because though the words do not change, the meaning does. The first time it's said, it is from Angie's perspective of how she will always carry her daughter with her. The second time is God Himself, promising to do the same for us. He will carry us all our lives. Gives me chills every single time I hear it. Here's the video with the lyrics posted beneath.

There were photographs I wanted to take, Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes, Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not, Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story, Written long before me, Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years
I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who's chosen me To carry you

Such a short time, Such a long road, All this madness But I know
That the silence, Has brought me to His voice, And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning, Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes, Who could love her like this?

I will carry you, While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle, Through the coming years
I will carry you, All your life, And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me To carry you

I suppose this song, which always brings tears to my eyes, felt even more profound yesterday because Mark had mentioned to me something he'd seen on the tv in the break room at work. It was a story about some man who'd been raised in a strict Christian home. His parents took in a foster child who wound up violently raping this boy when he was around 5, I think Mark said. Anyway, this horrific event caused this boy to decide that any God who would allow him to be so terribly hurt either was evil or uncaring or just plain didn't exist to begin with. He turned his back on God and became a violent man himself. He'd killed someone by beating them to death with a baseball bat.

I cannot begin to list the number of people, both who claim no belief in God and those who do claim to be Christians, who I have heard voice questions about how and/or why God would allow terrible things to happen. There was a lot of that kind of thing going around after 9/11. How can a supposedly loving God simply stand by and watch such terrible things happen? How can He justify letting a defenseless child suffer unspeakable abuses? How can he put someone like Angie and Todd Smith, who have devoted their lives to Him, through the agony of losing a precious child?

The pat answer is that God sees, understands, and knows things that we cannot fathom. He is in charge and we ought to just trust Him in all things. That doesn't help with the pain, though. Not really. Even though it's true, it may not bring any real comfort to someone in the midst of terrible suffering. So, what's the real answer? The answer is us. WE are the ones responsible. God created a perfect world. No pain. No suffering. No sickness. No sorrow. No death. Just a perfect world where His creations could freely and personally interact with Him. It was Adam and Eve who chose to upset that perfection. God warned them that eating from the tree of Knowledge of Good AND Evil would bring death. And it certainly did. But it brought so much more. Pain and suffering, evil and agony. They unleashed every terrible thing upon the world, destroyed God's perfect creation, and the entire world has suffered in countless ways because of it. Their disobedience cursed every single person born since that time. You, me, all of us. It caused the earth itself to be cursed. Every natural disaster that claims countless lives can be blamed on that one moment of weakness. The "circle of life" that we all witness on nature shows did not exist until the fall. Every one of us, whether we want to see it or believe it or not, bears the stain of that first sin. We are guilty because Adam himself was guilty. The evil in this world is not God's fault. It is the fault of those who perpetrate it. It is the result of a fallen, broken world. God is not evil. He is not capable of being evil. He is perfect in all ways and this often results in us, with our tiny, fallen minds being unable to grasp how He could just sit by and let bad things happen. But we make judgments based upon our own limited - and incomplete - understanding. We color everything with our own personal feelings. We use our highly fallible logic and ethics and moral understanding to try to rationalize with the One who created the entire universe. How arrogant we are!

God is our Creator. He loves us. He sacrificed Himself for us. He is patient beyond measure with us as we struggle and often outright insult Him with the choices we make and life we live. We cannot grasp the depth of His knowledge, wisdom, love, and perfect justice. Which is why, when our very human minds and hearts start urging us to question His motives or actions (or lack thereof) we must take a step back and remember that faith is the thing that can carry us through whatever we are facing. Questions or fears or utter devastation can be dealt with and endured simply by trusting that God is, in fact, in control. More importantly, He is aware of all things, past, present, and future. He can see far ahead, beyond the end of our crisis. He knows who our faith might touch, who might be brought to Him because of the life we choose to live. And He knows who might be driven away from Him as well, if we choose to surrender to our doubts and fears. We are so shortsighted. So self-centered. Even at our best, we cannot come close to God's perfection. So we must turn to Him. let Him guide and lead us, and we must trust Him, even when we don't understand the why of a situation.

I have leaned this lesson over most of my lifetime. I admit I've done plenty of questioning God. I've had moments when I quite literally screamed at the heavens in frustration and pain. I still have those tendencies sometimes. But I know, in my heart of hearts, that God's plan is perfect. Whatever comes, whatever happens, He is in complete control and will do what is best for a future I cannot begin to see or comprehend. I still feel fear. I'm human. I still feel pain. I miss my parents and sister and Mark's mother each and every single day. Especially now, as I go through this battle with cancer. I wish they were here. I wish my precious mother could be here to hold my hand and comfort me. I wish my sister could be here to share her experiences with her cancer. I wish Vannie could be here to just be herself, to be my friend and offer her support and love in her sweet way. I feel their loss keenly. But I know God has a plan and I am grateful for the others in my life who are still here with me. My other sister, Debi, who just sent me a sweet card of encouragement. My friends who make me food and cancer hats and just offer me love and laughter and support as I go along. And my precious husband, Mark, who is my rock and my best friend and stunningly patient with me. God has given me great and profound gifts and I cannot help but be thankful for them all.

I hope we can all learn to be grateful even in the midst of a crisis. I hope we can see the blessings through the tears. I hope I never get to a place where I find myself able to justify turning my back on God. And I hope none of my dear loved ones ever get to that place, either. I am just so grateful to God for continuing to speak to me even when I'm not trying to listen. I'm glad that He does not turn His back on me, or withdraw His hand even if I sometimes deserve it. I'm grateful that I can turn on a radio and hear Him speak to me through a song, and that He can use something so simple to pull me back into the center of His will. And I'm thankful that I have a chance to share what He's taught me with others. I'm no evangelist. But I never want anyone I meet to walk away without knowing that I love and trust God. Who knows when something that simple might be the catalyst to cause a complete stranger to turn to Him? God please give me the strength to maintain my faith in You, whatever comes my way.

Sinus Issues, Thanksgiving Dinner, and Other Miscellanies...

Well, I seem to be over my infection issues. Praise the Lord! I have a bit of a sinus cold, though, which is unpleasant, but doesn't seem to be getting any worse. I always tell Mark that there's a fine line between medicine helping and hurting in a case like this. On the one hand, the antihistamines, decongestants, and expectorants, help keep my sinuses from draining down the back of my throat (and making it horribly raw) and also from collecting down in my lungs (making me sound like an accordion in serious need of repair.) The first day I woke up with it, my throat was already sore from the mucus (gross!). Ironically, I was seeing my oncologist to talk about my next course of chemo. Just as a quick FYI, I'm due to start it next week on Wednesday, November 17. I will also be having another MUGA scan (heart) early that morning to make sure my heart is still okay for the next round of treatment. This time around it's Taxotere (every 3 weeks) and Herceptin (every week.) I'll be taking the Herceptin for an entire year. The radiation will come once the Taxotere is finished.

Honestly, I'm just anxious to get on with it. This sinus thing is annoying, but so long as I don't develop pneumonia or an ear infection or something worse, I should still be able to get my chemo next week. The Taxotere is nothing worse than what I've already had. It can cause hair loss, though my chemo nurse told me that most breast cancer patients actually start regrowing hair while on it. LOL, I told Mark that I dreamed I had hair the other night. I've been dreaming a lot of weird stuff over the past few days. I think it's the NyQuil. LOL I've taken it all my life, despite the horrific taste. It was my Mama's "go-to" medicine for colds. Of course, these days they've taken the decongestant out of it because of the crazy druggies out there using it to make whatever it is they make with it. I used to be able to find the NyQuil that still had the decongestant at my local drug store, but now they've stopped carrying it altogether. So I have to buy a separate decongestant and take it with the NyQuil. The stuff knocks me flat out. Maybe that's why Mom liked it so much back in the day. LOL

I actually haven't taken anything since this morning because I am a little worried about taking too much medicine when I have a mild cold like this. I got caught in that catch 22 several years ago when I was going to visit my sister, Connie, after she'd been diagnosed with cancer. I didn't want to risk taking the cold I'd had down to her so my Dr. gave me some antibiotics and a prescription decongestant/expectorant. This was back when the asthma was still something of an issue. Anyway, I still remember sitting in the airport trying to keep from coughing up a lung while all the other travelers gave me a wide berth. I kept wanting to tell them it wasn't contagious, but I could barely stop coughing long enough to breathe, much less talk. LOL It took me a few days to finally figure out that the decongestant was drying me out too much, which was in turn making me cough like crazy. I quit taking it, but it still took almost a week & a half for me to fully get over it. So now I'm kinda paranoid about taking too much medicine when I'm sick. I may have to break down and take something, though, because my nose is pretty stuffy and I'm still coughing. This morning the expectorant kicked in and I got some stuff out of my chest, but my throat feels awfully raw from all the coughing. Seriously, I just want to feel half-way decent for a few days! Especially since I'm about to start the new chemo and I don't know how it'll effect me.

The Herceptin is supposed to have almost no side effects. It's targeted to a specific protein within my particular cancer. The one big side effect it does have is potential heart damage. Hence the MUGA scan on Wednesday morning to make sure my heart is still going strong. Ya'll pray about that, please, as the Herceptin is one of the big guns that is supposed to help keep the cancer from coming back down the road. If that scan, or any of the others I'll have routinely throughout the treatment, shows any sign of heart damage, I won't be able to get the Herceptin at all.

Okay, change of topic. So, Mark and I were at the store sometime last week. We'd gone to Kroger because they were selling frozen stuffed peppers for a really cheap price. This is one of Mark's primary meals when I'm sick and not up to cooking. He can cook other things, but this is his quick and easy, toss it in the microwave and scarf it down meal for days he works. So we went to replenish our supplies since I've been so sick lately and he's been eating a lot of them. On our way through the store Mark honed in on the frozen turkeys like a laser guided missile. This is something we go through every single year around Thanksgiving and Christmas. There are TWO of us. Neither of us cares for the dark meat on the Turkey. When his mom was still alive, we'd send all the dark meat to her because it was her favorite. I have tried for years to convince Mark that all we need is a turkey breast. He simply cannot bring himself to buy one, though, because he feels like he's being cheated somehow. I confess to sharing this feeling a bit, especially considering the fact that a turkey breast is at least twice as expensive as a whole turkey and you're getting less meat. Somehow, that just feels wrong.

Anyway, the whole vs. breast thing is just the start of our issues. Because along with an innate urge to buy a whole turkey Mark also suffers from a driving need to buy the biggest turkey he can find. He simply cannot stop himself. He gets positively depressed if he can't find a turkey well beyond 20 lbs. I am so not joking, here! For years, we have bought turkeys that topped out at 23-25 lbs. So, that night at Kroger he found a giant bird that was over 25 lbs. I could see the drool forming as he leaned over it. I am a more practical person. Well, more practical when it comes to turkey. I like it. I eat it. I'm pretty good at cooking it. But ultimately, I am a ham person. Not fake-o de-boned, machine pressed, ham loaf ham, mind you. That stuff, as far as I'm concerned, should be relegated to the deli and never allowed to leave. What I like is a whole ham. Like Mark and his turkey, I search out the biggest ham I can find and drool over the prospect of eating it. So, we're two of a kind, I suppose. Which is why we come out of every single major holiday with enough turkey, ham or both to feed an army. Actually, Mark lives off the turkey for the days following the holiday. He eats turkey and potato salad for pretty much every meal. The rest of it he can take or leave, but there have been holidays when we didn't actually have any turkey to put in the freezer because he ate every bit of it. LOL

I always wind up putting ham in the freezer. There's probably some in there right now from either last Christmas or maybe this Easter. I can't remember if I fixed a ham for Easter. Anyway, Mark actually didn't buy that turkey. I was amazed at his restraint. He knew we could find them cheaper at Wal-mart, though, so he held off until he got there. Where he bought a 24 pounder that is stuffed into our freezer waiting for me to make room for it in the fridge. It'll take a week for that monster to defrost!

He keeps asking me if I'm going to get a ham and I told him I haven't decided. The way things are going, I'm not likely to feel much like cooking next week. I think I'll just go rummage around in the freezer and see if I can't find some pouches of ham in there. That'll save me quite a bit of work.

I learned from my Mama to make enough food at the holidays to feed an army. This usually includes all kinds of desserts from pies to cakes to candy and cookies at Christmas. I just wish I knew if I was going to have the energy to do it this year. I love cooking, but I haven't been doing much of it lately. I just get tired too quick to do very much. I had to talk Mark through cooking frozen corn last night. LOL He did it, though. along with making mashed potatoes and mac & cheese to go along with the rotisserie chicken we picked up at the store earlier. He even bought gravy in a jar. It was all very good. Before this is all said and done, he might just be a pretty good cook. LOL

Well, I'm tired. My urge to cough is getting annoying, as is the congestion in my nose. Kinda makes my head hurt. I'm going to take some medicine and go lay on my bed. I've got some stuff to read, assuming the NyQuil doesn't knock me out. LOL

I just wanted to do a quick update on where things currently stand. I was really hoping that these last few days before I started my next chemo would be some of my best, but it just isn't working out that way. God's got a plan, though, so I'll just keep on plugging until I get out the other side of this thing.

I should confess that I had something of a rough day this week. I told Mark I was just so tired of feeling sick. But, it didn't last long. Oh, I'm still tired of feeling sick, but my perspective righted itself pretty quick. As I've said so many times before, it can always be worse. For me, I'm just profoundly grateful that I'm not still in the hospital. And though I don't much want to eat, when I do, at least everything tastes normal for now. All in all, I just can't complain too much. I've got too many things to be thankful for.

Oh, and a quick shout out to my big sister, Debi. Thursday was Veteran's Day and she was a Marine (is? I've heard there's no such thing as an ex-Marine. LOL) To her, and our friend Bill (Army, Vietnam Vet), my preacher Hobert (another Marine) and all the others out there who have and continue to put their lives on the line for this country, I thank you and appreciate you and pray for you.

That's it for now. I'm feeling ready for a nap, I think. I'll try to do an update Wednesday to let everyone know how the new chemo goes. God Bless!

Streams in the Desert

My dear friend Carolyn is someone I have tons of respect for. I am very thankful that God brought her into my life several years ago. I have never, ever been in her presence that I did not laugh. Not once that I can remember. She's just that kind of person. And so are her sisters. One of her sisters, Shirley, gave me a book a few weeks ago. Shirley is one of those people that just shines with God's grace and love. Her husband has had a number of severe strokes and she barely ever has a chance to get out of the house, though we're hoping that might change soon. Everyone needs a break from time to time. Anyway, back in September Carolyn, our friend (and pastor's wife) Mary, and I went up to Cincinnati to a Quilt and Craft Expo. Shirley lives in Cincy and though she could not get away long enough to come to the expo with us, she did come to the convention center to say hi and to give me this book. It is called, "Streams in the Desert" and is a collection of devotions by L. B. Cowman. It has been edited by Jim Reimann, the same man who edited "My Utmost for His Highest." It is the updated edition, put into modern language for clarity. This blog post title will take you to the Amazon page for the book. You can get access to the original version of the book for free via Crosswalk.com. The original version is by no mean unreadable, it's just not as easy to digest as the Updated Edition.

Shirley included a very sweet personal message to me on the inside page. It begins with, "This book has spoken to my heart straight from the heart of God." How powerful is that! I was so blessed just by the book alone. When I got home and opened it and read Shirley's note, it gave me such a rush of comfort to feel the love and encouragement in her words. I just cannot express how precious both Carolyn and Shirley are to me. They have loved me and been friends to me virtually from the day we first met. They introduce me as a part of their family. They are great gifts from God, and I am profoundly grateful for them.

So, in the post I made yesterday I mentioned how I was struggling with some anxiety over what the future may hold for me. I don't seem to feel a lot of stress, or at least I don't always recognize it consciously. But it is having an impact on me. I mentioned my blood pressure, which is not something I've ever had an issue with in the past. Yet it is and has been high enough for my oncologist to prescribe medication for it. And while I have had an issue with grinding my teeth in my sleep for years, I now catch myself clenching my jaw even while I am awake. Obviously, I'm feeling more anxiety and stress than I realized. I trust God in this situation I am facing. I have no choice. I KNOW He is in control and that whatever comes, whether the next round of chemo is easy or hard, or whether I have a recurrence or metastases in a few months or a few years, or 17 years (as has just happened to one of the ladies on the Cancer Survivors Network, or if I never have to face cancer again. God is in control of everything "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (KJV) A little bit more modern:  "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28 (NLT)

That is such a simple thing to read, but sometimes so difficult to put into practical use in our lives. It's so easy to give in to the human impulse to question God's motives, to even demand that He change His perfect will and give us what we think is best or what we want. And it is so very easy to lose some of our trust in Him. When we are facing something frightening or potentially devastating, we WANT to have complete trust in God, to utterly rely on what Romans 8:28 tells us. To KNOW, with everything inside us, that WHATEVER happens, God will be there with us and will help us through it and that the end result is and will be exactly what He knows is best. We're frail creatures, always asking questions when we ought to be listening and trusting. I have often wondered how it was that the Israelites could have so easily lost their faith in God when He was right there in their midst as He led them out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea and fed them with manna from heaven, and so many other things. And how in the world could the disciples have been surprised to find the tomb empty that first Easter morning? They had seen Jesus perform countless miracles, including raising the dead back to life, yet despite the fact that Jesus warned them of what was coming and promised them that He would rise again, they ran and hid in fear after His crucifixion and were shocked when the tomb was empty. Why? How? Because they were just like us, like me. It didn't matter how many miracles they'd witnessed. (I've seen my share.) It didn't matter how intimate a relationship they had with God or His Son. (I've known Jesus for many years, since my early teens, yet I still find myself wanting to go my own way.) They were mere men. Filled with all the same flaws that necessitated Christ's death on the Cross. Out of the sight and presence of God, they fell back on their flawed human emotions and understanding. There's a very good reason why we are told over and over again to draw near to God. To stay in His presence. Because outside of it we are too weak to fight our own nature.

So I picked up "Streams in the Desert" today and opened it to October 13th and what do you suppose I saw? This may be copyright infringement, but I'm not making money off this and I'm giving the author and editor credit, so I hope it will be okay. Here is the devotion, as written in the Updated Edition, for October 13. According to the book, all Scripture is taken from the NIV.

Do not be anxious about anything. (Philippians 4:6)

Anxiety should never be found in a believer. In spite of the magnitude, quantity, and diversity of our trials, afflictions, and difficulties, anxiety should not exist under any circumstances. This is because we have a Father in heaven who is almighty, who love His children as He loves His "one and only Son" (John 3:16), and whose complete joy and delight is to continually assist them under all circumstances. We should heed His Word which says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

"In everything" - not simply when our house is on fire or when our beloved spouse and children are gravely ill, but even in the smallest matters of life. We are to take everything to God - little things, very little things, even what the world calls trivial things. Yes, we are to take everything, living all day long in holy fellowship with our heavenly Father and our precious Lord Jesus. We should develop something of a spiritual instinct, causing us to immediately turn to God when a concern keeps us awake at night. During those sleepless nights, we should speak to Him, bringing our various concerns before Him, no matter how small they may be. Also speak to the Lord about any trial you are facing or any difficulties you may have in your family or professional life.

"By prayer and petition" - earnestly pleading, persevering and enduring, and waiting, waiting, waiting on God.

"With thanksgiving" - always laying a good foundation. Even if we have no possessions, there is one thing for which we can always be thankful - that He has saved us from hell. We can also give thanks that He has given us His Holy Word, His Holy Spirit, and the most precious gift of all - His Son. Therefore when we consider all this, we have abundant reasons for thanksgiving. May this be our goal!

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7) This is such a wonderful, genuine, and precious blessing that to truly know it, you must experience it, for it "transcends all understanding."

May we take these truths to heart, instinctively walking in them, so the result will be lives that glorify God more abundantly than ever before. George Muller, from Life of Trust

Search your heart several times a day, and if you find something that is disturbing your peace, remember to take the proper steps to restore the calm. Francis de Sales

 Tell me God isn't in charge! He knew how I would be feeling, knew I needed a little encouragement and a reminder of Him. There are those out there who would call it coincidence. But I don't believe in luck or coincidence or chance. I believe in God, the Creator of the universe and all within it, including me. He knows me like no other. He knows my heart, even when I don't. And He put these words here for me today, to uplift me and strengthen me as I go through this journey He has called me to.

Honestly, words fail me. Those who know me, know that's a rare occasion. :) I wish I could describe the flood of joy and comfort I felt as I read this short little devotion. See, like the Children of Israel or the disciples of our Lord, I have felt God's presence in my life so many times. I have felt Him and known Him over and over and over again, yet I still let my human nature get in the way.

God forgive me for that. And thank You so very much for never giving up on me, for loving me and staying right by my side even when I'm distracted and not paying attention to You, Lord. I am blessed beyond measure. I am so thankful for all You have given me, for all You have done for me. Thank you, Lord, for being Who You are!

Remember that God is always in control. All we ever have to do is LET Him work. As the old saying goes, "Let go and let God." Perhaps I should have that tattooed on my forehead. (Just kidding.) But it would do us all good, me especially, to strive every moment of every day to actively seek out God's presence. To hunger for Him with all our heart and soul. As the Bible tells us, "And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment." Mark 12:30 (KJV)

This is often easier said than done. It takes a devout commitment and dedication that I so often lack. But I want it. Like Paul, I do what I don't want and don't do what I want to do. "And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."Romans 7:18-25 (NLT)  Lord, grant me strength to overcome my sinful nature. Give me peace and understanding, courage and endurance. Forgive me for entertaining doubts, for letting anxiety and fear creep into my thoughts. I love and trust You, Lord. I know You are the Author and Finisher of my faith, that You have embraced me as Your beloved child. Thank You for all the blessings You bestow on me each day. Thank You for loving me even when I was unlovable. Thank You for Your great plan of Salvation. I just want to draw nearer to You, to be so close to You that no doubt can enter into me. And Thank you for the wonderful friends You have given me, women of faith who uplift me without even realizing it. They are such great gifts to me! Bless each and every one of them, Lord, as they bless You through their generosity and love. Amen.  Thank you for reading this. I had to post this update because I found God's way of letting me know He's still there and still cares too amazing not to share. He is still on the throne. He is still in control. And there are miracles happening every day, all around us. We can see them if we'll just open our eyes and our hearts to God!