Abby

Abby

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Bye, Bye Chemo!

Well, I'm finished with the chemo. Been done for a few weeks now, but was waiting for the last of the side effects to fade before posting. Actually, I'd thought about doing a post that detailed my symptoms through that last chemo, but I just felt too bad to keep up with it. Suffice it to say that I am thankful that the pain is gone and along with it the odd twitching and spasms in my feet and legs. Then there was the first week or so when I couldn't taste anything, followed by the second week when I still couldn't taste anything I ate, but at the same time had a nasty taste in my mouth that nothing seemed to help. And I won't even talk about the diarrhea! The only issue I seem to have left at this point is watery eyes. Those aren't likely to clear up for several months. And I still have no eyebrows or eyelashes, though the hair on my head is slowly coming back. I really do miss having hair.

Yeah, that's my head. Mark teases that I have a receding hairline. I'm just hung up on how much gray there is. I've had a Lily Munster little patch of gray on top for a few years, but the hair on both sides of my head is almost all gray now. I guess that whole hair coming back a different color thing is true. My different color just happens to be gray.
Surprised Emoticons





( I just have to interject here that I'm sitting here watching the Gaither Gospel Hour on Inspiration, and Larnelle Harris and Ladye Love Smith are singing "I've Just Seen Jesus." I have always loved that song, though Larnelle originally did it with Sandi Patti. I sang it as a solo years ago, and it still gives me chills. It's that awesome moment when we see Jesus and our lives are changed forever. I love it! Okay, back to what I was saying.)
Happy Emoticons

Hmmm... have I mentioned that my attention span is kinda short, too? Ha. (I've got goose bumps!) I'm going to have to post that video here, just because I now can't get the song out of my head. I loved Larnelle Harris when I was a teen. And Amy Grant, and Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. I remember every afternoon when my best friend and I would get in the car to go home after school, she'd be like, "So, who's it gonna be today? Larnelle, Amy, or Brooklyn Tab?" Need I mention that we were not typical rebellious teenagers?
Free Avatars
Okay, NOW I can get back on topic. So, I have the gray hair coming in, eyes that sometimes water like crazy, and lingering fatigue that will take quite a while to overcome. All in all, I count my blessing that the side effects I've had have not been worse.

The funny thing is, Mark and I figured that the worst was over once the chemo was done. And I'm sure it is. But I have had one issue since I finished the chemo. After last week's Herceptin infusion, I developed swelling and a bruise at my port site. We saw my oncologist the next day, and he felt it was probably nothing serious. Mark was still worried, though, especially when the bruise kept getting bigger. So I saw my surgeon's partner on last Friday and after looking at it, he felt it was too early to do further testing. His theory was that my chemo nurse nicked a small blood vessel when I got my infusion. It was also possible that my port was seeping a little, but he didn't want to do further testing until we saw what the next few days brought.

The bruise is sizable, but stopped growing that day. It's now a lovely greenish-blue color. The surgeon told me to pay special attention when I got my infusion today and if anything felt off, to let them know. (As if I needed to be told that!) Anyway, I had my infusion and aside from an issue with the needle's initial placement, everything seems to have gone just fine. No swelling or new bruising so far. Thank you, Lord! I was not looking forward to possibly having to have the port replaced. I still need it for several more months, at least through October.

I'll keep getting the herceptin on a weekly basis while I'm getting radiation. That will start on February 28th. I go next Wednesday to do my practice run. They will also give me a series of small tattoos to make permanent marks for them to use to line up the machine. Not looking forward to that. They'll be very small, just little dots about the size of the head of a pin. The radiation will take about six weeks or so.

It's hard to believe the chemo is all behind me. In the beginning it seemed like it would take forever. Then again, it's hard to believe that I was diagnosed almost seven months ago. Hardly seems possible that so much time has already gone by. It just goes to show how time keeps marching on whether we notice or not.

So, the chemo is done and before I know it, the radiation will be, too. Then it'll just be the herceptin and no doubt that end will come with surprising quickness as well. My father used to tell me that time moved faster as we got older. He was right.

On a side note, one of the ladies from the Cancer Survivors' Network has just informed us that she has cancer for the third time. She was diagnosed with breast cancer back in 2007. She fought it a second time, and was just recently in the hospital for what she thought was pneumonia. They found out after running tests that instead of pneumonia, the cancer has sprung up in her lungs. Her name is Barb. Please lift her up in prayer as she faces this battle once more. I know God will keep her in His care. He's taken good care of me.

Way to Go, Hickory!

Okay, perhaps you may have guessed that I am a dog lover. I'd rather not try to list every single dog I have ever owned, as there have, unfortunately, been a few that were not a part of my life for as long as they should have been. Still, I've had quite a few through the years, beginning way back at the very beginning with what may or may not have been some kind of Old English Sheepdog mix. Her name was Taffy, though I don't remember her. My dad used to tell me stories about how when I was barely able to walk, I'd take hold of her collar and use her for a kind of walker to get around. I don't actually know what happened to her. I guess I never thought to ask anyone. This is her, though:
Yes, that's also me... and my mom, and a cat (who I also don't remember) that I'm told was named Tiger. (My sister and I got into a discussion a while back about our family's lack of originality when it came to naming cats, but that's a whole other post.)
I wish I could remember Taffy, as she looks like a pretty cheerful dog. I do remember a rabbit we had, but only because it bit me once. My sister says I poked a finger into its cage and sure enough, it took a hunk outta me. Stupid rabbit!






Sometime after Taffy, my dad brought me home a new puppy. I was still very young, though I can clearly remember that moment. Mostly because my new puppy was so little that my dad could hold her cupped in his hands. I don't remember who named her, but her name was Misty. Here she is, patiently having the life hugged out of her:
I don't know how old she is here, but she looks close to full grown. (I still have both the stuffed bunny rabbit I'm hugging and the quilt you can just see peeking out from beneath the bedspread. I sincerely wish I still had Misty.)
Misty was a Cock-a-poo. Back in those days, that meant she was a mutt. Today she'd have been considered a "Designer Dog" and her breeder would have wanted an absurd sum of money for her. We got her for free. We had a fenced back yard, but a neighbor dog jumped it when she was in head and so... we added another dog to the family. (Not sure what happened to all the other pups. Given away, I'm sure. I think I begged to keep one, though.) His name was Toto. (I LOVED the Wizard of Oz.) He's the larger gray one. And that's Misty on my other side. So you can see just how old she was. Easily ten or eleven at the time this picture was taken. They'd both just had a clipping for summer. Without it their hair would get long enough to develop mats.
We lost Toto not long after this shot was taken. He had cancer. I lost Misty after my mother died. My father took her to Memphis and put her in a back yard that hadn't had a dog in it in decades, if it ever had. She escaped and was never seen again. It still breaks my heart. She didn't deserve to be lost like that.

So, after my mother's death, I moved up north to be with my then fiance, Mark. He had a dog of his own, Joshua Isaiah. (This is also the name we always intended to give any son we might have. And yes, we've often laughed about explaining THAT to our imagined child.)

 Josh was a Black and Tan Coonhound. This is him on a walk in the woods with us. He was a big baby, and loved being cuddled. He was also full-blooded and registered. Someone once offered Mark an obscene amount of money for him because he was such an excellent hunter and example of the breed. The fact that my dear hubby flat-out refused to part with his dog for any amount of money is just one of the many, many reasons that I love him. We lost Josh to cancer.
The first dog that Mark and I owned together was Feeper. Yeah, I know it's a senseless name. Neither one of us can remember why we named her that, now. She was a Shih-a-poo. (Shih tzu and poodle) She was the cutest thing in the world.

She was hit by a van on the road in front of Mark's parents' house. The driver didn't even slow down.











Mark and I eventually rented a house of our own and while we still had Josh, we acquired another dog purely by virtue of being the only ones around who cared enough to take care of him. We called him Fred.

Fred's origin and breeding were a mystery, though he obviously had some kind of spaniel in him. He was absolutely precious. Very skittish in the beginning, but incredibly loving once he figured out we meant him no harm. We literally lost Fred when we moved to our current home. I was working at the time and Mark moved the dogs all at once, then went back for more furniture. By the time he got back here, Fred was nowhere to be found. We searched everywhere for him for weeks afterwards, but we never found him.


Around this same time we had a collection of other dogs. First came Kelly:
She was some kind of shepherd type dog. She was stolen while I was in the hospital. We lived in town, next to a bar. All kinds of crazy things happened. Before she was taken, she had a litter of puppies and while we gave some of them away, the 2 we had intended to keep were also stolen.





In the end, we were left with only one of her puppies. I named him Wiggles (which Mark still derides to this day) because he had this crazy way of wiggling his entire body when he was excited. He favored his mother quite a bit, though with more of a hound face.
We had Wiggles until his death of natural causes. I have pictures of him with Katie when she was just a baby. He was a sweet boy, if a bit buffaloed by the cats. I've got pictures of that, too, though I wish I'd owned a video camera back in those days. One of our cats would march right up to him and swat him on the nose, meow, then patiently stand there as he bathed her. It was beyond comical.







Also during this time Mark got me a pure-bred Siberian Husky that I named Josey. Specifically, his registered name was Outlaw Josey Wales. This is one of Mark's favorite movies.
Josey was beautiful. He had gorgeous blue eyes. I loved him dearly. Unfortunately, I owned him at a time when I was too young and naive to understand what I was getting into. It didn't help that I was still struggling with severe depression when he was a puppy, either. I had no idea how to handle a dog like him. Specifically, I gave no thought to how much exercise a dog like a Husky would need. Or how crazy he'd go with nothing to do. He turned aggressive towards our other animals. He almost killed a goat we kept as a pet. No chain would hold him long, because he was incredibly strong. Another part of his breeding. He would snarl and snap at anyone who got near him when he was eating. Anyone but me. I didn't feel like I could give him away because I was afraid he'd hurt someone. And when he nearly killed our goat after breaking his chain, I just didn't know what else to do. So I had him put to sleep. I held him in my arms as he died, then buried him myself. To this day, I still mourn his loss. Mostly, I hate that I failed him so terribly. If I had him now, I'd know what to do, how to work with him and train him. I just didn't know what to do then, and I hate myself for letting him down. None of it was his fault, it was mine.


We also had a female Pit-Bull mix that we got from a shelter. Her name was Cricket.
I know the reputation that Pit Bulls have. But Cricket was the sweetest dog I have ever known. I don't know what her life was like before she came to us, but she was always so gentle and sweet here. I went into the shelter looking for a small dog and came out with her because she was the next one scheduled to die. One look into her sweet eyes and I just couldn't let that happen to her.






And then there was Angus.
Angus Tango was a full-blooded, registered Chow Chow that was given to us by one of my husband's co-workers. He was, without a doubt, the absolute best guard dog I have ever had. He was a giant ball of fluff, and nothing but a big teddy bear with us, but strangers were another story entirely. Mark worked nights back in those days and he knew he could trust Angus to keep me safe while he was gone. Angus died on Easter morning many years ago, but I still miss him terribly. I know many people are afraid of Chows, but I'd own another one in a heartbeat. In fact, I do have a Chow mix named Malcolm.
This is Malcolm and his sister, Beulah. They were quite young in this shot. Beulah died several years ago, possibly from some kind of congenital issue. Malcolm is an old man now, but he's still my big boy. He took over where Angus left off. Malcolm doesn't care much for strangers, though he's less aggressive about it than Angus was. He'll still let you know that he's here and watching. Sadly, Mark and I both know that he probably won't be with us much longer. He began his life as an outdoor dog but has lived inside for the past few years. These days he sleeps more than he's awake. He still makes his rounds, but he'd rather be in here snoring on the couch than outside chasing squirrels or possums.

And this brings us to Katie, the one for which this site was named. Hubby had always wanted an English Bulldog (technically it's just Bulldog, but people need the "English" part to know for sure what you're talking about.) He'd had an acquaintance who'd owned one when he was younger. So, in 2001 we brought Katie home. Her registered name is Katie-Bar-the-Door because we used to laugh at the way she'd careen around the house. We always said, "Here comes trouble!" when she'd come barreling into the room. As much as she loved to play, she was always a good girl, never chewing on things she shouldn't. Of course, she had plenty of toys to play with, so that helped.
Katie and her ball, caught in mid-leap. It's hard to believe she was ever that small! You can see her at the top of the page as well as in the collage at the bottom.






This is my most recent shot of her. She's starting to show her age with lots of gray in her face.
She's our baby girl, and we have no idea how we're going to deal with losing her. She's still as funny as ever, and occasionally gets frisky and likes to play. But she's slowing down as she nears her tenth birthday. She is, without a doubt, the smartest dog Mark and I have ever known. Smarter than Mark's Border Collie that he had as a kid. I joke all the time that if she had opposable thumbs, she'd be ruling the world.




And last of all, there is Briscoe. He's the other half of our Bullie pair. We brought him home partially with the intention of breeding him and Katie - which never happened - and also because we just wanted another Bulldog.
I'm thinking that we should have taken one look at this and known that he wasn't going to be the brightest bulb in the box.

Mark calls Briscoe a meathead. He's not particularly smart. He's almost six years old now and he's just recently figured out that he gets a treat when he goes outside to potty. By this, I mean that from the time he was a baby, we have rewarded him for going outside and doing his business. It's part of the training process. He goes out to potty and he gets a dog biscuit when he comes back inside. Katie long ago started trying to fake us into giving her extra treats. She'll bark within half an hour of having been out. She'll head toward the door and even go outside and pretend to potty. That's right, she'll PRETEND to go to the bathroom, all in an effort to get another biscuit. I do not fall for this. Mark seems to think she has a bladder the size of a pea, because he often does. Or he did. He's starting to catch on to her as well... Wait, how many years did it take him to figure out what she was doing? LOL

Anyway, Briscoe has just recently started doing the same thing. He'll head to the door and just stand there. If no one follows him, he'll bark. And he'll try to do this over and over again. You have to understand that I've never seen any dog with bladder control like his. He prefers to be sleeping on the couch. He likes the couch because he can rest his giant head on the arm. When Malcolm and Katie are practically hopping to get out the door, Briscoe has to be forced to wake up and go out. He is a true couch potato. The only time he gets in a hurry is if we tell him we're going to go "travel." He knows that word. Katie knows too many to count. But Briscoe just knows travel, probably because he absolutely loves to go for rides in the car.
He's not very bright, but he is an absolute love bug. He'd rather cuddle than anything else. He's loving to a fault, considering how many times I've found myself slathered with his drool because he wanted to snuggle.

He doesn't sleep upside down with his head hanging off the couch anymore. Probably because his head is so heavy that it would just pull him over the edge. He is the quintessential Bulldog, complete with snoring, drool, and gas that will bring tears to your eyes. He's bull headed (pun intended) and goofy beyond words. Katie has, from day one, looked at him with a mixture of contempt and disgust. She thinks he's a pure idiot, and treats him accordingly. The shots I have of them snuggled together always depict Katie with an expression that seems to say, "Please make him go away!" Briscoe has never figured out how she feels about him. He still makes the effort to impress her with his grace and charm. Bless his dense little heart.

I guess I just wanted everyone to know that I love dogs. There have been others besides the ones listed here, some mine, some belonging to others. My great aunt had a dog named Dixie that I loved almost as much as Misty. Another aunt had a poodle named Winkie. And there was my grandmother's toy poodle, Candy, who hated all children, including me, but who came to me willingly once I grew up a bit. And then there was my best friend's German Shepherd, Bear, who loved to play football. Our high school football team (coincidentally, the Bears) was pretty pathetic. We used to joke that they needed Bear to play for them so they might actually win a few games. She was awesome.

There have been plenty of other pets besides dogs, too. But tonight I'm just talking about them because tonight was the 135th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. I watch it every year, though sometimes all I catch is the final judging for Best in Show. This year I saw most of the show, including the Non-Sporting group that was judged last night. The Bulldog got beat out by the Chinese Shar Pei, which was okay. Usually it's the blasted Poodles that take that title. Anyway, tonight was the final judging, when they take the best of each group and pick the dog that's the best example of it's breed. Tonight, for the first time ever, the title was taken by a Scottish Deerhound. Her name is Foscliffe's Hickory Wind, Hickory for short. It's her final show. She will retire after tonight. So to take the top honor was especially significant for her and her owners and handler. In case you don't know what a Scottish Deerhound looks like, here's a shot of Hickory taken after her win tonight.
The girl in the middle is her handler. The men on either side are judges and other various officials. While not the largest dog breed in the world, Hickory is clearly no petite pup! Kudos to this beautiful girl and her handler.

I've had a lot of dogs in my life, and I've made a lot of mistakes with some of them. It's a true shame that so may people view dogs as just something else to own, something to stick out in the yard on a chain and give a pat to every once in a while. Dogs are pack animals. They NEED companionship. They need to be a part of a family. Dogs exist, not because they are born randomly, but because WE breed them, or let them be bred. They are not wolves, capable of surviving whatever nature throws their way. The vast majority of domesticated dog breeds have been created by us. God didn't send two Bulldogs, and two Pugs, and two Collies, and two German Shepherds, and two Chihuahua's, and two Scottish Deerhounds, (the list could go on for quite a while) to Noah to put on the ark. He sent two dogs. Maybe even just two wolves. We are the ones who decided that what God had created wasn't good enough. We are the ones that mixed breeds and manipulated genes until we wound up with dogs, like my beloved Bulldogs, that are so far away from their wolf ancestors that they couldn't even survive living outside year round. They require air conditioning in the summer due to their short noses. And they aren't built to tolerate cold, either.

We created the variety of dog breeds that now exist and we're still trying to come up with new ones. Ever heard of a Labradoodle? Eskapoo? How about a Goldmation? If you're interested, there's an extensive list of hybrid dogs you can glance at: List of Hybrid Dogs. (Be warned, it's ridiculously long.) Currently, these dogs are not considered individual breeds. It takes a long while to get enough hybrid offspring to begin being able to breed them to each other, and then another long while to get that new breed recognized by mainstream groups like Westminster or the AKC. By "long while" I mean decades. And there are other issues when it comes to creating a new breed, namely the problem of getting consistent offspring. Still, the fact is that humans have created the different breeds of dogs we have today. All because we wanted dogs that were better hunters, or better herders, or better companions, or any of a hundred other things. Bulldogs were created for the horrific sport of bull baiting. Since that was thankfully outlawed, they've been bred to be smaller and less aggressive so that they are now purely companion dogs.

Ultimately, I guess I wish people would be responsible enough to not own a dog if they aren't going to treat it like a part of their family. Almost 11,000 dogs are euthanized every single day in America. This is beyond shameful. And that doesn't even begin to consider the countless others who are kept in unhealthy, deplorable conditions by owners who think that they're doing all they need to if they toss a few scraps out the door every once in a while. Dogs require just as much care and attention as human children. They need to see a vet on a regular basis. They require protection from the elements, including flea and tick preventatives that actually work, as well as tablets to prevent heartworm infestation. And this is merely the most basic things they need. Even these basics are not cheap. Beyond these mere necessities, as well as quality food and a constant source of fresh, clean water, dogs need companionship and often, structured play and at least a minimum of training. It's a shame that we live in a society that treats dogs (and most other animals) like garbage that can be kept or thrown away at our leisure.

I am still ashamed by how terribly I failed Josey. I'd give almost anything to have a chance to do it over again. He deserved so much better than to be mishandled like he was. Hind sight is always 20/20, but even knowing that, I cannot believe I was so foolish. He was a good dog. He just had a bad owner. The lessons I learned from him haunt me to this day. I wish other dog owners could feel my shame. Maybe they'd learn to do justice to their dogs as well. After all, our dogs want very little from us. Love. Comfort. Shelter. Food. Security. And in return they love us unconditionally. Even when we don't deserve it.

Isn't it funny how we call them stupid animals when they seem to do so well what Jesus asked us to do?



Sunday, February 6, 2011

Are You Ready for Some Football (and Religion?)

Have I mentioned that I'm a football fan? You can probably thank my father for it. I can remember watching Sunday football games when I was really young. Mom never liked it, but I always did, I guess. Daddy was a Dallas Cowboys fan, but that's not surprising since it was the 70's, back when the Cowboys were "America's Team." We lived in the Mid-South, so we had no pro-football teams of our own back then. Personally, I've never much cared for Dallas. I don't like Jerry Jones. Anyway, I do love football. I'm sitting here watching the Super Bowl as I type this. At the moment, Green Bay is up by 2 TD's. I sure hope this doesn't turn into a blow out. That makes for such a boring game. Plus, I don't want to see the Steelers go down like that. My team, since Tennessee FINALLY has its own team now, is the Tennessee Titans. Sadly, they aren't very good. But I'm not so picky that I can't root for other teams. I happen to like Green Bay and Pittsburgh, so I'm not really cheering specifically for either team tonight.

Football is pretty much the only pro sport I follow. I don't care for basketball, and gave up on baseball when they went on strike a few years back. (I'm sincerely hoping the NFL league and players can get their rears in gear and settle their differences before we get a strike this year.) Football is pure entertainment to me. I don't care who's playing, I'll watch the game. [Big Ben just ran for a first down. Woohoo!] 
The Super Bowl is a special game, of course, not just because it determines who goes home with the ultimate title and trophy for the year, but because it is the only time in the entire year when the commercials are actually kinda worth watching. There have been some true classics to debut through the years. Most recently, I guess the Etrade babies are probably the most popular. Mark and I still crack up at these commercials. Though I don't actually drink beer, I have to admit that they do produce some of the funniest commercials. (Though some of the ones I've seen so far tonight were more stupid than funny.) I was one of those stereotypical little girls who loved horses, so I always liked the Budweiser commercials that feature the Clydesdales. (The ones where they were playing football always cracked me up.) So far tonight, there have been a couple that have made me laugh out loud and a couple that have made me cringe. The second Doritos commercial tonight was just uncomfortable for me. (Guy loves Doritos so much that he licks the cheese off his friend's fingers... gross!) The one commercial most of us WON'T see tonight, is one produced by a group called Fixed Point Foundation. [Just saw the funniest Volkswagen commercial. Little kid dressed as Darth Vader. LOL] They have created a project called "LookUp 3:16." They created a commercial and pitched it to Fox for the Super Bowl but it was rejected because it was considered to contain an "overtly religious message." Here is what they say about the project on their facebook page:
If you had thirty seconds to tell the world one thing, what would it be? Would it be funny? Would it be about politics? If it were worth it, would you pay to be heard?

What if you used that opportunity to do something great? To share the message of hope.

We believe that Super Bowl XLV is an opportunity to encourage football fans to look up John 3:16. After all, John 3:16 is part of the football culture. It’s on signs, t-shirts, and even eye black. And yet, many fans don’t know what it means. They have yet to be touched by the hope it offers; the immediate relevance it has to their lives. Therein is your chance to say something meaningful.

We will be airing a commercial throughout Alabama during this year’s Super Bowl on February 6th, 2011. This commercial won’t sell anything, advance a political cause, or promote some organization. It will encourage people to look up John 3:16 and consider its profound message of hope.
Here is that commercial:
It's a shame that we live in a society where political correctness has so pervaded our day to day lives that the mere suggestion that those who don't know what John 3:16 means ought to look it up is considered "overtly religious." I watched a few minutes of the pre-game show. In it, Fox played a segment that has become something of a tradition for them in the years since 9/11. In it they have an assortment of players read the Declaration of Independence. It is quite powerful. Especially these parts:
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

 We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. (This gives me chills every single time I read or hear it.)

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions...

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
It should be noted that they left out a large portion of the middle of the Declaration that listed the varied and many ways in which the King of Britain had abused the Colonies. That's understandable, I suppose, considering just how long that list is. Of course, following this video came the also traditional singing of America the Beautiful.
O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
And then there was the National Anthem. I don't know how many out there know that the Star Spangled Banner actually has four verses. This is the final one:
O, thus be it ever when freemen shall stand,
Between their lov'd homes and the war's desolation;
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserv'd us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust"
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
So, I have to ask, how is any of this less "overtly religious" than a commercial that merely recommends that those who don't know what something means should look it up to find out? That final verse of our National Anthem says it all. We are a land that owes our existence and freedom to God. As such, we ought to give Him the Praise for that. And our motto should be and is, "In God we Trust." And so long as it remains so, the stars and stripes will triumphantly fly over our land.

Trouble is, we don't give God the praise for all He's done for us. We have turned our backs on Him. We have made it unpopular to declare our trust and faith in a Creator. We have allowed a few to wholeheartedly reject the very principles upon which this nation was founded. Like it or not, a belief in a Supreme Creator played a major, pivotal role in every facet of the birth of this country. Separation of Church and State has nothing at all to do with whether or not the 10 Commandments can or cannot be displayed on the grounds of a courthouse or whether a cross can be used as a marker for a national memorial. All it was ever intended to do was ensure that this nation would never establish a National Church like the Church of England, which is still in existence today in England. (Just as an FYI, the Church of England is the officially established Christian church in England. Its supreme governor is the Queen.) Amazingly, I have NEVER once seen anyone supporting the establishment of ANY church which would be headed by our President. Yet this is exactly what many seem to argue against. As if having "In God We Trust" on our money somehow means we have a national religion. It is very sad to see how many let the rhetoric of a few sway their own beliefs. They aren't interested in learning the truth, they just believe what they read or hear and run with it. This is the ultimate failing of the American people. We have lost our interest in reality and just follow along behind those we idolize. People boycott what their favorite star tells them to. They vote for whoever does a better job of posting tweets on Twitter. We're getting less and less involved in the actual governing of our nation because it's just easier to pick someone we like and believe everything they tell us.

I often wonder what our Founding Fathers would think if they could see what we've become. Would they have changed the wording in the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution? Would they have been more explicit in defining exactly what they meant by the right to bear arms and freedom of religion? Or would they be so disgusted and discouraged by us that they would give up on establishing a new, free nation at all?

I love football. I'll miss it through its off season. To me, football is America's game. In tonight's Super Bowl, while the National Anthem was being sung, they showed some of our military members standing at attention. They showed one of the players who had tears streaming down his face while his hand covered his heart. I've seen more than one NFL player kneel to pray on the sideline at the start of the game or as another player lay injured on the field. They sing God Bless America before every game. And as broadcasters go, Fox is certainly considered to be the most conservative station on the air. Yet even with all this, we still shy away from any suggestion that we might support the belief in God. I find that terribly sad. I am proud to be an American. With all our problems, I still believe we are the greatest nation in the world. I truly support the principles upon which our nation was founded. I just wish the majority of the rest of my fellow Americans did as well.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

God's Infinite Love, Mercy, and Protection....

I've been a "believer" in God my whole life. (Hopefully, everyone reading this understands that there is a great difference between "believing" and "knowing." Belief alone isn't enough. It takes a personal knowledge of Jesus, a faith and trust in who He is and what He did for every human in the world.) Salvation, for me, came in my teens, in no small part due to my love of music, which the Lord wisely used to draw me into church. I began singing in the youth choir, then also joined the adult choir (though I was still a teenager) for several special programs. I also sang with a music group put together by one of the piano players at our church. There was another small group that our church choir director decided to start, too. I was in my school chorus as well, but the vast majority of my singing was done at or through our church. Our youth choir director was also the youth pastor and the adult choir director. He was a great influence on us. I respected him tremendously. He was the most honest person I ever knew, other than my mother. That honesty wound up getting him fired from our church. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that was right about the time I found myself a different church.

God used my love of singing to pull me into the church and it was there, in between all the singing, while sitting under the teaching of our youth director that I learned a great deal about God. I learned who He was, what He was, what He'd done for me, and maybe even more helpful to a teenager, I had a first hand example of how a man and his family could live real and true lives for Christ. My youth director and his wife and children were such an inspiration to me. I believe he deserves direct credit for my coming to Christ.

I've said all this to get to a single song that touched me all those years ago. I think about it often, especially when I find myself aware of a "near miss" that could have caused me or someone I love pain or sorrow or even mere distress. This morning, Mark and I were up early, heading to Madison for my final dense dose chemo treatment. (Yes, I said FINAL. I'll talk about it later, as it certainly is a big event. But that's going to be another post.) It was that time in the morning when there's too much light for headlights to be helpful, and not enough light to make everything clear. There was a car coming toward us and I noticed a deer several yards off the side of the road. It was standing still, facing the road, but not moving. Just before the car reached us I suddenly realized that there was a second deer, right at the edge of the road. It was apparently about to cross the road. Anyone who lives around here knows that deer are quite prone to making rash decisions about the direction they will run. I've seen more than one decide to jump into the road right in front of an oncoming car. I hit one that did it to me a few years back. Anyway, this deer made the smart choice and ran away from the road. My first thought, however, was how bad it could have been if it hadn't.

If that deer had tried to cross the road, the car coming toward us would certainly have hit it. If they hit it, it could very easily have gotten thrown into us. These kinds of things happen all the time. It could so easily have been a very bad situation for everyone involved. We were traveling at highway speed, not speeding, but 55 is plenty fast enough to throw a full grown deer a pretty good distance. So, as I saw the deer running away from us, and we passed it and the other car with no trouble, I said a word of thanks to God and thought again of this song I've known since the earliest days of my salvation.

It is called Angels and was sung by Amy Grant. Here are the lyrics.
"Take this man to prison," the man heard Herod say
And then four squads of soldiers came and carried him away
Chained up between two watchmen, Peter tried to sleep
But beyond the walls an endless prayer was lifting for his keep
Then a light cut through the darkness of a lonely prison cell
And the chains that bound the man of God just opened up and fell
And running to his people before the break of day
There was only one thing on his mind, only one thing to say

[Chorus:]

Angels watching over me every move I make
Angels watching over me
Angels watching over me every step I take
Angels watching over me

God only knows the times my life was threatened just today

A reckless car ran out of gas before it ran my way
Near misses all around me, accidents unknown
Though I never see with human eyes the hands that lead me home
God, I know they're all around me all day and through the night
When the enemy is closing in I know sometimes they fight
To keep my feet from falling I'll never turn away
If you're asking what's protecting me then you're gonna hear me say

[Chorus 2x]

Angels watching over me
Angels watching over me
Angels watching over me
Angels watching over me
Though I never see with human eyes the hands that lead me home
It's the words of that second verse that get me. The times our lives are in danger that we never even know about or see. The times that we have been spared some tragedy or grief or pain because one of the angels that God sends to protect us stepped in and protected me or someone I love. Even when things HAVE happened that could or should have had devastating consequences, so many times I have been spared. (The cancer certainly comes to mind!) God loves and protects me every moment of every day.

A church friend and I sang this as a duet once. It had touched us both and we wanted to share its message. This was back in the 80's and the song is not something we hear on the radio these days. I still love it, though. It still carries such a wonderful message, such a strong reminder of how much God loves us.
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. Psalms 91:11 (KJV)
I believe with all my heart that guardian angels are real, that God sends them to keep us safe from harm, and to even occasionally give us a nudge when we're headed in the wrong direction. This morning, it was a deer that was nudged away from harm. At the very least, God saved us and/or the driver in the other car from having to deal with having their vehicle damaged. Possibly, He saved us all from injury or even death. There's no way to know. But I do know He deserves to be thanked. to be praised for His care and protection. So thank You, Lord, for keeping us safe from harm. Thank You for loving us enough to give us angels to watch over us and keep us safe.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Rant........Rant...Rant!

You know, I'm not a person who's particularly easily offended. I don't walk around with a giant chip on my shoulder, daring someone to try to knock it off. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, whining every single time someone dares to hurt it. I don't look for reasons to get my panties in a twist. But there is one thing that pretty much sets me off every single time it occurs.

I am a born and bred Southerner and I refuse to either apologize for that or be ashamed of it. Worse, I'm not just Southern, I'm from Mississippi, the popular choice for most backwards, racist, idiot filled state in the country. I have lost count of just how many jokes I've heard made at the expense of my home state and those of us who are from there. And don't even get me started on the morons out there who preach about just how horrible a place it is when they've never so much as set foot in the state. Even more offensive to me are native Southerners who buy into the perceived shame of their heritage. One example that comes to mind is the comedian, Brett Butler. I used to watch her years ago and she usually made me laugh. Right up until she made a joke out of how smart she was for getting out of the South. It went something like this, "I was born and raised in the South and I'd like credit for getting out." I don't think I've watched her since then.

It's not that I'm some kind of nut who goes off the deep end every time someone makes a joke about the South or Southerners. If you've ever seen the movie, "Sweet Home Alabama," then you're familiar with a long string of jokes that had me laughing so hard I was crying. It portrays Southern life pretty well. I always laugh especially hard at the scenes of the Civil War Reenactment. I've actually been to one of those. And there are countless other comedians who poke their share of fun at Southern culture and behavior. Believe me, it's hard not to laugh at some of the things my fellow Southerners do. But I do not understand why so many have to turn it into something ugly. It's a form of bigotry, whether anyone else is willing to see it as such or not.

For example, Mississippi is supposed to be a hotbed of racism. Okay, only a fool would deny that much of the South took a very long time to get over their backwards views of blacks. Some horrible things happened there. But it wasn't just in Mississippi or just in the South. And what happened 30 or 50 or 150 years ago has nothing to do with today. I will openly admit that I grew up surrounded by racism. Mostly, it was the kind of racism based on ignorance and/or repeating what was heard from others. Like all racism or bigotry, people who have no first hand knowledge just repeat what they've heard others say without bothering to question it. This doesn't somehow make it "better" than blatant hatred of someone just for the color of their skin, but there is a difference between the two. Mainly, those who are racist out of ignorance are much more easily reached than those who are firmly entrenched in their hatred. I'll use my own mother as an example.

She was born and raised in Tennessee. (Both my parents were.) Not just Tennessee, but a hole in the wall little place. She disliked black people, not because any black person had ever done anything to her, but because she'd heard all her life that they were somehow unworthy of trust and/or respect. (My father was much the same way.) It's what I think of as "generational" racism. They got it from their parents, who got it from their parents, etc. But my mother was a natural born teacher. During my elementary years she began working occasionally as a substitute teacher at my school. Then she got her GED and became a teacher's assistant. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because my mother did not graduate from high school, she was stupid or dumb. She wasn't. She just lived in a time and place when graduating, especially for girls, wasn't that big a deal. So, anyway, she was working full time at my elementary school by the time I reached 5th or 6th grade. One of the other elementary teachers was a black woman. That was, I believe, the first time my mother ever really had the opportunity to get to know a black person. I mean really get to know them. Knowing this one person opened my mother's eyes in a profound way. It taught her that all the garbage she'd heard her entire life was, in fact, not true. It changed her life.

Okay, so the South has plenty of racism. Yes, there are groups like the KKK, skinheads and neo-nazis who've carried it to violent extremes. But none of that behavior is limited to the South. And this I know first hand from personal experience. I was born and raised in Mississippi, but I have spent my entire adult life living above the Mason-Dixon Line. In fact, as my childhood best friend recently pointed out to me, I have now lived longer in the North than I did in the South. (Pardon me for just a moment while I grieve for that fact....Okay, I'm back now.)

I lived in Mississippi for almost the first 18 years of my life. I moved to Indiana just before my 18th birthday and have lived there ever since. (More than 21 years, now.) So I have plenty of experience with life in both regions, and what have I found? I have found that there is every bit as much racism here in the supposedly enlightened North as I ever saw in my backwards home state. The biggest difference is that up here it is far more insidious. It hides behind false smiles and pretended tolerance. I was told that one of the grand wizards of the KKK once lived right here in my small town. A family that I knew quite well and that fronted a friendly, open, Christian appearance turned out to have VERY close ties to the Klan. (Not so close to them now.) Even people I respect on many other issues have some frighteningly racist leanings. I find it a little scary just how well it's hidden around here.

I make no excuses for Southern racism. Racism is never excusable, never "okay." It is very offensive to me, but even more so when it comes from someone who hides it behind a smile. Someone who spews racist rhetoric is at least honest about how they feel. They aren't shaking hands with a person of color with a big ol' smile plastered on their face while secretly thinking about how beneath them that person is, or worse, spewing their skewed views behind that person's back. I've seen all this right here in the good old North. Yankees are every bit as racist as Southerners, they're just much more secretive about it. And that, in my book, makes them even worse. Because they're two faced. Talking love, and respect, and wholesome Christian values out of one side of their mouth while the other spreads cliched racist lies.

So, maybe, the next time someone makes a joke about backwards, inbred, racist Southerners, you might want to take a moment to consider that it is just as offensive as a joke about a black person and a watermelon. I am a born and bred Southerner. I am highly offended by every form of racism. I am intelligent, educated, and hardly "backwards." I am proud of much of my Southern heritage. Believe me when I tell you that being Southern is a blessing. As the saying goes, "American by birth, Southern by the grace of God." Yes, slavery is a part of our past. But there was a time when Northerners owned slaves as well. And that whole notion that the Civil War was all about Southern plantation owners not wanting to lose their slaves is a load of baloney. Sure, slavery played a role in the war, but there was a lot more to it than that. The point is, I've never known a single person who owned a slave and neither have you. Well, maybe you have. There was a news story I read just the other day about a human slave ring that was broken up in NYC recently involving a bunch of young women from Africa who were being forced to braid the hair of black women while being kept in deplorable conditions and frequently raped and abused as well. The leader of the slave ring was a black woman. Imagine that.

So maybe it's time people pulled their heads out of the sand and took a real look around. The South is not the seat of all racism any longer. It is not a hotbed of human atrocity and abuse. It is just a geographical region filled with people who, despite having an accent that makes them sound a little slow, are sick and tired of being labeled as something they aren't. That accent doesn't make us stupid. It just makes us different.

I am proud of who I am and where I come from. I was raised to be honest, loyal, and trustworthy. I was raised to understand that my family is my responsibility. I was raised to love with all my heart and without reservation. I was raised to believe in God, to trust in Him and to know that He died for me. I was raised to be polite and respectful, but to stand up for what I believe in. I was taught to love, even when it isn't easy to do so. Even when your heart is breaking, you hang on. Seen "Steel Magnolias?" Then you know what I'm talking about. Being Southern shouldn't have to be something shameful. As I told someone who made a joke (directly to my face) about how backwards my home was, "I'd rather be from a backwards place like that, than from anywhere I've lived or visited since leaving."

Being Southern has been nothing but a blessing to me. Even the racism I grew up surrounded by came with a bonus. It made me hate racism. It taught me to recognize it, even when it was well hidden. The fact is, I haven't lived in the South for more than 2 decades. The other truth is, every time I go home (which is VERY, VERY seldom since both my parents are dead,) there's a place on the road where something lifts from my chest. Some invisible weight that I don't even notice until it's gone seems to ease and my body reaches a state of relaxation that I cannot describe. I can't give you a mile marker or a town name. But it's somewhere south of Nashville, some time after the trees along the sides of the road become mostly tall pines. Somewhere after the kudzu starts covering anything that isn't moving. Somewhere after little BBQ joints start popping up along the side of the road. There's a place out there where my body seems to recognize that it's almost home and I love it. I love those pines. Always did, despite the fact that where I'm from, they're considered trash trees. And BBQ will never, ever be anything but a smoked pork butt that's been slow cooked until it's literally falling off the bone. And sweet iced tea is the most popular drink, often served in Mason jars just because that's what's sitting around.

Southern culture is not about racism. It's about family and friends and hot nights filled with crickets and lightning bugs and slow rolling storms. It's about honesty and hard work and never, ever letting someone who doesn't know you tell you that you need to be ashamed of who you are or where you were born. Southern pride is a very real thing. Whatever mistakes my Southern ancestors made don't belong on my shoulders and I won't let anyone put that weight there. I am a Southern woman and no matter how long I live up here amongst the Yankees (nor the fact that I married one of them) will change who or what I am. If I live to be 100 and die and am buried up here, I will still be a Southern woman and I will still be proud of that fact.

So, if you've got a repertoire of Southern jokes or some foolish notion that the South in general, and Mississippi in particular are the root of all racist evil, then you better keep those things to yourself when you're around me. Because that's one thing I will set you straight on in a hurry. Someday, maybe I'll get a chance to move back below the Mason-Dixon Line. My husband loves it down there. He loves the way life is slower, less harried. I won't ever go back to my hometown. It's a long story, but there are just too many painful memories there. But I wouldn't mind living down South somewhere. Some place where my house can be surrounded by tall pines like these:
I actually sang this song as part of my school chorus. Gotta love Elvis, even if you aren't Southern!

YeeHa, Y'all!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Seven Down, One More to Go!

Well, I've gotten seven of my eight scheduled dense dose chemo treatments. Just one final big bad one to go after this! I am so excited to be done with it. I'll still keep getting the Herceptin through October or so of this year, but it's nothing like the Adriamycin, Cytoxin, or Taxotere. It comes with potential side effects, but not like the others. Potential heart damage is the biggest risk, but no more hair loss, weird/bad/nonexistent taste, digestive issues, body aches and pains, etc. They'll just have to do a heart scan every 3 months or so to make sure the Herceptin isn't doing any damage.

I'm going to wait until I get that final Taxotere treatment before I call my radiologist to see about starting the radiation treatments. I was supposed to have had my 3rd Taxotere (7th overall dense dose chemo) over a week ago, but got sick with a cold or flu like virus. Had a fever of 102 for a while there that Mark and I thought for sure would land me in the hospital again, but the Dr. decided to do some blood work and get some chest x-rays first and since all that came back okay, he just let me go on back home. He went ahead and gave me some antibiotics in spite of the fact that they don't do anything for viruses because he wanted to head off any possible bacterial issues that might just be lurking somewhere inside me. I felt pretty bad for a week or so there. Lots of sinus issues and a really nasty cough that is still trying to linger a little. All in all, though, I'm a lot better than I was. I just get to coughing pretty hard every once in a while, but it's gradually getting better, too.

Mark had it first and of course I got it, too. He was sick at Christmas and by New Year's, I had it. He's still trying to get over it completely himself. He's had a lot of issues with his ears being clogged up, though no pain or apparent infection setting in. He just complains that he can't hear out of one of his ears. He says it's starting to crackle a little though, so he thinks it's about ready to start breaking up. Generally, this has been a tenacious little bug, but with God's help we're beating it!

So, other than the cold, I'm still plodding along. I got my last treatment on Thursday, Jan. 6, one week and 1 day late. Normally, today would be my first day down with the pain, but since it was a day later than usual, I'll be looking at Sunday and Monday being my "flat on my back, too sore to move" days. It's already starting a little. Starts in my shoulders and neck. The muscles start getting tight, then sore. Then the soreness starts spreading everywhere else. My back usually starts aching, then I get a lot of soreness in my legs and feet. There's also usually these odd little "twitches" in my feet, too. Sometime in my hands, though never as bad as my feet so far.

I've already started losing my taste buds. I really hate this part of it. Nothing seems to taste right. Or at least almost nothing does. Mark and I stopped at McDonald's yesterday afternoon and I kept asking him if the ketchup tasted weird or if it was just me. Just me, I'm sure. I really like ketchup, but after these treatments it never seems to taste right. Don't know why. Some things tend to be better. Sweet stuff usually isn't that bad. I had Mark get me a small milkshake after the ketchup fiasco just to try to get the taste out of my mouth. LOL Along with the lack of taste comes this weird feeling in my stomach. Feels like it's full of cotton, bloated, but not with gas. It just feels like it's full of something. Makes it a little sore and also isn't conducive to eating normally. Just one more thing to get through over the next few days.

For some reason, I haven't done as good a job remembering what's good and what isn't with the Taxotere. I had it down pat with the A/C, but this time around it's just not sticking. Maybe because I have 3 weeks (or more when I get sick like I've been) between my treatments. I guess I just keep forgetting what works and what doesn't. I made this roast the other night but it didn't taste quite right to me either. Mark said it was good, but it was just a little bit off to me so I didn't eat as much as I normally would have. Not that it will go to waste. Mark pretty much has it finished off. I think there's just a little bit left in there. He'll probably eat that when he gets in from work. Kinda like a snack. LOL.

Anyway, I'm wondering what I ought to try to eat next. Tomato type stuff (ketchup, pasta sauce, soup, etc.) is pretty much out just because it tastes either weird or almost has no taste at all. I was debating about taco meat (either in tacos or a taco salad) because I can add stuff to it to boost the flavor. Not sure, though. Maybe chili? I've also got some jalapeno poppers in the freezer that I'm thinking about trying. I just don't know. It's hard when I'm not sure what'll work. I tend to lean toward the spicy because at least I can taste the heat. But there's always my old stand by of Fruity Pebbles. I really don't like making a meal of them, though. Not as my only meal. Seems wrong, somehow. And even they don't taste completely normal with the Taxotere.

So, I'm doing good for now, in general. Feeling a little whiny about the lack of taste and by tomorrow I'll be too sore to care if I eat, but it'll pass. It always does. Like I said, just one more of these treatments to get through. I still have the worst of this one ahead, but just knowing that after this there's only one more makes it all seem so much less unpleasant. I'm ready to be done with it. Ready to not have to plan for the down days and the tasteless days. Ready to start healing from all the fatigue and other side effects. It won't be an overnight thing. More than one other breast cancer patient on the Survivor's Network has said that even months (or a year) after the end of chemo, they still weren't fully recovered. It takes a long time for the body to rid itself of all those toxins. Some of the effects may never fully dissipate. But it's certainly better than the alternative. So I know it's going to take some time, but I'm looking forward to the start of that part of my journey.

Gotta go. I've just raided my freezer and brought several things into the kitchen to try to decide what to try to eat. LOL. I'm not even sure what to try to drink, since a lot of that tastes weird, too. I'm just going to keep trying different stuff, I guess, until I remember what works.

Thanks for the prayers I know were sent my way while I was sick. I know they worked. I believe they kept me out of the hospital at the very least. In spite of the fever and sickness, my cell counts have been very good. This is nothing short of a miracle in my opinion. When I got my treatment on Thursday, the nurse said they were excellent. That's pretty impressive. God is just plain awesome! Love to all.