Count Your Blessings!

Woke up so thankful this morning. I've been feeling bad since Thursday night. I thought it was a cold at first, because I had a sore throat and my chest hurt like it was full of congestion. So I took meds to help with that and by Saturday night, I was starting to think it might be something else. My chest and shoulders were aching so bad. All the muscles across my neck and shoulders were drawn up like bow strings. Any deep breath caused a pain in my upper chest and shoulders. I was really starting to worry that something was seriously wrong. The fever I was running never climbed above a degree, so by Sunday I was pretty sure it wasn't an infection or a serious cold. I hadn't taken anything for the pain because it would also have masked the fever. I got fed up with it on Sunday, though, and finally took some Tylenol. It helped a lot. So I waited well past the 6 hours that it can be effective and checked my temperature again, which was still low, and took some more. Before I went to bed last night I took another dose and I woke up feeling much, much better this morning. I haven't taken anything at all today, and still feel fine.

So, I don't know exactly what was going on, but it seems to have cleared up. I will, of course, speak to my Dr. about it, but I'm just so thankful that it is better. I was really afraid for a while there that I was going to be spending the weekend in the ER. That is NOT something I wanted to do! Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayers!

Blessing #2: I realized late last night that things are mostly tasting normal to me again. I've counted myself blessed already because I haven't had a particularly bad taste in my mouth and have not developed any mouth sores, both of which would have made eating unpleasant. The only real issue I've noticed is that nothing seems to taste right. Actually, it's like my taste buds are all dulled. Nothing has the flavor it should have. I noticed a few days after chemo that I was kinda sensitive to pepper and thought I might have to avoid it, but I've actually been using more of it and salt and other spices in an effort to make food taste like something. I have this Mango/Orange juice in the fridge that I usually LOVE but it hasn't tasted like anything at all for a few days so I haven't been drinking it. I had some last night and while it may still taste a little "weak," it tastes much better than it did before. So I plan on trying to finish it off over the next few days before I get my next chemo and have to start the whole process over again. The taste distortions can be compounded with each treatment, so I want to enjoy my juice - and anything else I like - while I can just in case the dulled taste lasts longer next time.

There are, of course, countless more blessings in my life. My husband, friends, family, even the medical doctors and treatments are a blessing. When you get that diagnosis of cancer, it would be very easy to sit there and start asking, "Why me?" But I've chosen to instead be grateful that my cancer isn't worse, that I live in a time when we have treatments that are far superior to what was available just a few years ago, and when I have resources like the internet to help with my research into my disease and to find others who have been there before me and can offer invaluable advice, support, and encouragement. I've mentioned it before, but I want to do so again. The Cancer Survivors Network has been of TREMENDOUS help to me. Visit them, even if you don't have cancer. You will find an amazing group of people there who refuse to allow a cancer diagnosis to define who and what they are.

I also want to mention an item that I ordered off the web and received Saturday. I've seen the poem before, the first time when my mother-in-law was fighting brain cancer, I think. I loved it's message and after I got my diagnosis I did a web search and found this pendant at Sticky Jewelry, Inc.

I had to laugh when I received it, because the print is very tiny, though I can read it. Mark took one look at it and handed it back to me. The pic is much, much larger than actual size, but I'll still reprint the words below it, just to make it easier for anyone out there with less than stellar eyesight. :)

What Cancer Cannot Do...

It cannot...

invade the soul

suppress memories

kill friendship

destroy peace

conquer the spirit

shatter hope

cripple love

corrode faith

steal eternal life

silence courage

Sicky Sickness Stay Away

Okay, the dreaded chemo crash that I expected on Wednesday hasn't really manifested itself. At least, not in any way that I expected. Considering the whole "wrapped in cotton" feeling my brain had on Wednesday, I expected to be counting myself fortunate to string together more than a few grunted syllables by Thursday, or Friday at the latest. But then I felt much better on Thursday. Not quite so tired, not so "foggy." So Mark and I ran a few errands that needed to be done.

First off, I reckon I should mention that Mark convinced me to buy some masks at Wal-Mart back when we were doing The Great Chemotherapy Shopping Extravaganza. The idea came not from anything we were told officially by any medical person, but from a little old man who came into the treatment center with his wife and wanted a mask to protect himself from the rest of us. So, I looked at Mark and thought, "that's probably not such a bad idea." Mark, of course, was all for it. He is a germaphobe at heart. So, we got the masks but I have not put them in my purse and so have not actually used one while out in public. As logical and rational as it is - even smart - to protect myself from all those germs out there, I just haven't quite been able to put myself into a frame of mind to go out in public looking like some paranoid Asian during the bird flu scare.

So, what have I gotten for my pride and hesitation? SICK! Yes, that's right, I'm sick with some kind of pesky chest cold. I felt the beginnings of a sore throat Thursday night, then woke up feeling much worse on Friday morning. I had a temperature of about a degree, which isn't much of course, but it was enough to worry me because I knew it meant I was really sick. The instructions we're given as chemo patients is that if we get sick - as in running a fever - we are NOT to treat it with anything that will bring the fever down. No Tylenol, ibuprofen, Alieve, etc. This is because they will only mask the fever, lowering it artificially without doing anything at all for whatever is causing it. So we are to watch the fever, check it often, and if it hits 101, we go directly to the ER. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

My fever has never risen above a degree or so, which I am so very thankful for. I do not want to wind up in the hospital. I do not want to have to postpone any of my treatments while I try to fight off some bug. I called the Dr's office Friday morning, just to give them a heads up about being sick, then started rummaging through the medicine cabinet looking for something to take. Everything - and I do mean EVERYTHING - was expired! I guess I haven't been really sick for a while. I did have some NyQuil, but it contains Tylenol, plus alcohol, so I couldn't use it. Plus, my chest was aching, leading me to conclude that what I really needed was an expectorant to break whatever was in there up. So we made a trip down to CVS, I paid way too much for something I could have gotten at half the price at Wal-Mart, and I started taking some Mucinex. I am also using my inhalers, which have at least helped to keep my chest from feeling so terribly tight.

I've been taking the Mucinex since Friday afternoon, and I can feel it finally working a bit. My chest still aches some, but I can tell that I need to start coughing this mess up and out. Not looking forward to that, seeing as how coughing is uncomfortable. But I gotta do what I gotta do.

The long and short of this whole thing is, I reckon I will be wearing a mask in public from now on. At least I'll wear one any time I'm in a crowd of any size. I am already carrying around hand sanitizer and antibacterial wipes, this will just be one more thing to add to the circus. That's the funny thing about this whole process. Pride is one of the first things to have to get chucked out the window. The whole hair loss thing bothered me. Still does a little. But ultimately, I realize that I don't much care what I look like so long as I feel half-way decent. I joked with Mark that I ought to shave my legs but I'm holding out for the chemo to finally kick in and save me from having to do that chore again for a while. My legs are hairy and I don't care.

Hmmm.... sing with me (to the tune of Jimmy Crack Corn):

My legs are hairy and I don't care,
my legs are hairy and I don't care,
my legs are hairy and I don't care!
Chemotherapy!

Warning! Chemo Crash Ahead!

Monday and Tuesday were so nice. No sickness, no tiredness, no achiness, no chemo brain. And then I woke up this morning...

To be fair, I'm still not feeling too bad. My lower back is aching a little, possibly from the Neulasta shot on Tuesday. I'm much more tired today that I have been. Wears me out to do much of anything. Still no nausea, thank the Lord! But the chemo brain has made an auspicious appearance.

I can't really go into a lot of detail seeing as how this is a public blog, open to all the world to read and I don't want to be one of those stupid people who tells the entire world when the house will potentially be empty or when I might be home alone. I have guns and a LARGE Chow mix with an attitude, plus 2 Bulldogs, but these days you just can't be too careful. Sad, but true.

Suffice it to say that I woke up, took a look at the time projected on the ceiling from Mark's clock, and woke him up to tell him he had to get up. This was, unfortunately, not true. For some reason, my chemo addled brain saw one time when it was actually another. We went back to sleep after straightening out the mistake, then after Mark went to work he called to check on me and told me he was telling people the chemo brain is setting in.So glad he's out there making me look good!

Anyway, I don't feel bad, per se, but I feel far less perky than I did the previous 2 days. I was hoping the Decadron (steroid) pills would keep that steroid high going at least through tomorrow, but no such luck it seems. Monday and Tuesday must have been a result of the massive dose they give me right before administering the chemo.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully, it won't be any worse than today. But even if it is, I know God will get me through it!

PS: a quick shout out to my precious friends: Carolyn-who is working on getting me set up with some scarves and hats made by her very own hands (mine too, if I can work up the engergy); Anita-who keeps calling to make sure I'm okay and to let me know she's still praying for me; and Val-who is always ready to take me anywhere I might need to go, or maybe to bring over some dinner or anything else I might possibly need. I am so very, greatly blessed to have these women in my life. Thank you, Lord, for the gift of their friendships!

The Lydia Project

I have spent a lot of time on the Cancer Survivor's Network and through them learned of many resources out there for cancer patients. I'll talk about some of them as I get more experience with them. One of the first that I have dealt with is The Lydia Project. This is a Christian group, based in Georgia, who will make a small tote bag for any woman going through cancer. Each bag is handmade and unique. Here is their biography:

About Lydia

Lydia provides free services to women facing any type of cancer anywhere in the world. This support includes ongoing correspondence and encouragment every month for at least twelve months. Every woman receives a handmade tote made by the loving hands of volunteers and filled with encouraging items.

In many cities nationwide, physician offices and hospitals distribute Lydia totes directly to patients. Visit Lydia'sHealthcare Partnersto see if your community is already a part of the Lydia network. Women in all 50 states and many other countries have received totes and support from Lydia. Dedicated volunteers serve from all over the nation providing encouragement to women and their families.

Lydia also provides rent, utility, and prescription assistance to women who are unable to afford these basic expenses while undergoing cancer treatment and who reside in Aiken, Burke, Columbia, McDuffie and Richmond Counties.

The Lydia Project is a grassroots 501(c)3 non-profit charity begun by a group of Augusta, GA businesswomen in 2003. The project is named for Lydia, who appears just briefly in the Bible. (Acts 16: 14-15). She was a successful businesswoman in the trade of purple cloth. Using her gifts, Lydia extended a hand to those in need. In the same way, Lydia's purple-handled totes include a network of support and are monogrammed with "faith" "hope" or "love"~ ensuring women and their families are not alone during such a devastating time.

The Mission of The Lydia Project is to serve women facing cancer by providing hand-crafted tote bags, prayer and ongoing support.

I requested a tote from them some time last week and it arrived on Friday, August 27. Here is what I received:

Here is the tote. I had the option to choose a tote that said either Faith, Hope, or Love. I chose Faith.

Here is what was inside the tote: pamphlet about The Lydia Project, a Journal, some lotion, tissues, pens, and a personal letter letting me know they would be praying for me.

The prayer request card that was tucked into the front pocket of my tote, along with a note letting me know the name of the person who made it for me.

I was so impressed with this group. Just to know there is someone out there who cares enough to make the effort to help people they don't even know is a comfort in this day and age of "everyone for themselves." The Lydia Project is by no means the only helpful service out there, they are simply the first I dealt with and received a response from. I will mention others as they come along.

Please, if you have time, visit The Lydia Project, and see if you might be able to help them in any way. They are providing a wonderful gift to cancer patients everywhere.

Port Placement and First Chemo

I got to the hospital and got my port placed this morning. No problems with it. They used what they called "heavy sedation" which did not put me out completely. I felt almost nothing besides a couple of sharp pinches. Then it was off to the treatment center for that first round of adrimycin and cytoxin: the chemo cocktail that I'll be taking for the first 4 rounds, given every two weeks. That's going to be 2 months worth. Then I'll be switching to a cocktail of taxol and herceptin. The TH (as it's called) will be given once a week for 4 weeks, then we'll drop the T (taxol) and continue with the herceptin every 3 weeks for a year. Sometime after the end of the Taxol, I'll be doing the radiation 5 days a week for 5-6 weeks. Unless my radiology oncologist suggests otherwise, I'll be doing the herceptin in conjunction with the radiation. If she would rather that I stop it, we will during the course of the radiation, then we'll pick it right back up when I'm done. Either way, I'm looking at almost a year and a half of treatment, give or take a few weeks and assuming that there are no issues that come up which might delay the treatment. Lord willing, that won't be a problem!

Tomorrow morning I have to go back down to the treatment center to get a Neulasta shot. This is to help boost my cell counts since I'm going every 2 weeks and that isn't enough time to let them recover naturally. I'll be right in the middle of the cell count low point when I have to go in for the next course. So the Neulasta will boost those counts. Unfortunately, this means it also causes bone/joint aches and pains as it stimulates the bone marrow to make new cells. This is supposed to last only a few days, but I'm not looking forward to it! I don't know it the aching will start tomorrow or Wednesday, but I'm hoping it'll be lather rather than sooner, and that maybe it won't be really painful at all.

So far, the only hints of side effects I've seen was one small hint of nausea that was easily remedied with a Compazine, a lot of acid reflux, and a bit of an "off" taste in my mouth. Nothing too bad. Mark was eating some baby carrots with blue cheese dip earlier (something I usually love) but one bite was enough to let me know that I won't be eating any of that for a while. The carrots were fine, but that dip was crazy bitter to me. So, it's out until my taste returns to normal. :(

Anyway, things are going very well, I'd say. That Neulasta shot tomorrow might put a bit of a kink in things, but I"m going to just assume that it will go as well as the chemo has so far. I reckon I'll have a crash in a few days, maybe, but for now, I'm just grateful for what I have!

Blessings to all,

Jennifer

Chemotherapy, Here I Come!!!

Well, it's finally almost here... chemo. Boy, do I hate to have to do this. Mark's not too excited about it either. In fact, I think he'd rather I didn't do it. He's having a lot of trouble with the illogical aspect of the whole thing. I have cancer... which will kill me if left unchecked, so what do the doctors want to do? Pump me full of POISON that just might kill me, too. There's the potential heart damage, which Mark had finally sort of come to terms with, and then my oncologist mentioned yesterday about how there's also a chance that somewhere down the line I could develop leukemia, too. I could see it on his face. He was ready to jump up, grab me and run for the hills! I was more than aware of the potential side effects, both the ones that can happen during the treatment and those that might not show up for years down the road. I'm not going into this thing with blinders on.

Funny thing is, I haven't ever even really considered not doing the chemo and radiation. It's not that I think the medical profession has all the answers. Not hardly. Hubby's right about the insanity of treating a deadly disease by poisoning the patient. But this is the best medical option at the moment, so it's the one I'm going to go with. What I've just realized is that I haven't really thought about skipping the chemo and rads and just trusting God to heal me and to keep it from ever coming back.

I am absolutely positive that He could do that. I've heard more than one person testify to it first hand. I've heard of people who were told they had months to live and who chose not to go the chemo route, yet who are still alive, and cancer free, years later. God does miracles every single day and I know that. Yet I've never once felt even an inkling of a hint of reservation that the chemo is the right choice for me. I'm not looking forward to it, obviously, but I'm not afraid of it either. God's in control and I guess I'm on the correct path here because He hasn't been warning me to turn around. At least I hope that's the case! I have been known to play deaf, dumb, and blind a few times when He was trying to tell me something important.

Seriously, though, I just think this is the right choice. I'm just praying that I get through it with as little difficulty as possible. I despise being nauseous, and that is an obvious side effect of all the chemos I'll be taking. (There will be 4 in total.) They've already prescribed 3 meds to help combat the nausea though, so Lord willing, that won't be a problem. And the hair loss is a given with this chemo. I've already gotten it all cut off. I hate it, but it's the way things work. In another couple of weeks I won't have any hair at all. [sigh]

As a note about what I think I'll be posting soon, a friend suggested I post some info about the things patients need to know. I'm not sure exactly what to post, yet, but I can tell you that one of the absolute best resources I've come across is the Cancer Survivors Network, which is part of the American Cancer Society. It is an AWESOME site. It is broken down into different boards for different kinds of cancer. Of course I spend all my time on the breast cancer board, but I can only assume all the others are just as great.

It's a place where new, current, and former cancer patients can get together to share tips and stories, to offer encouragement, laughter, and a whole passel of shoulders to lean on when the weight gets to be too much. I have learned so many wonderful and helpful things from them. It is directly because of them that I feel so ready for the chemo to begin. Whatever side effects I might face, I've learned about them all from the women who've been there before me. It makes this whole process so much easier to face!